Friday, October 12, 2012

Personal Conflict

Ever feel like you wish you could talk to someone about something your going through but feel that no one would really get you or understand or even care? That you would be judged. You know all the things that usually brings insecurity.

I am going through something.... a real trial for me. I am usually a person who wears her heart out on her sleeve and says it like it is... what I think and feel, but lately I am finding myself being cautious. I feel like I can't talk like I use to. I don't know if its wisdom or old age or what...but I have this thing I am going through. A really personal thing... no one in my family knows about it. My husband doesn't really know about it. My children for sure don't know about it. I don't feel like I can really share it with anyone too. It kinda pains me that I feel like there isn't ONE PERSON I can share it with.
Everyone needs someone to vent to or to share life's ups and downs with.

I have looked at my life and I have seen who are my true friends and who really aren't that I thought were. The one I probably could share it with, she is going through too much right now to be burdened down by my stuff.

I am hurting inside.... and even though I know the answer is give it to God.. and I know I will because I feel like i have no where else to turn to.... I know it won't be the same or feel same as sharing it with someone, that is tangible.

Just needed a safe place to write that right now... I am hurting inside... and NO ONE knows... no one will see it in my face or hear it from my lips.

Several times I felt like just saying TYPE IT on Face book and see who repsonds.. but really... that isn't the place.... this could be turned into so much more than it is... and it could also be shuffled under the rug which isn't good either because to me... it is something. Whether others would get what I am thinking/ feeling doesn't matter. I am and so I can't deny it.

The question is... how do I deal with it? How would I make it better? I know some of the answers to that questions but it doesn't mean that it will be easy. The part that won't be easy is me feeling ok about it.

Sometimes... I truly do wish that Jesus would just come... sometimes I feel like this life is too much... to hard.. .too painful. Too lonely. I think of how great it will be when he comes and takes away all the evil in this life.... and chains them. How great it would be to live a life of peace.... happiness ... no temptations, no evil... no bad in the world. It will be truly a heaven on earth. I think sometimes, I would love that right now..... Then I wouldn't have to watch my children hurt... or struggle.. I wouldn't have to hurt or struggle... and ALL my family and I would be together again... how I long for that!

Anyhow.... I wrote this because I needed to. I will be fine. This too shall pass, just until it does... I will have to deal. So I shall. There was a saying that I liked on Fb the other day... it said, “The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.” ― C. JoyBell C right now.... I need to remember that!

No comments: