Sunday, January 26, 2014

Oct 8th 2012 a blog post I wrote

I was rereading thru out old posts I had made and I found this one. I thought it was a great reminder so I thought I would reshare it to remind myself of these feelings I had felt.

Do you love me?
This weekend was General Conference. I loved it. There were very powerful talks given, many touching my heart and lifting my spirits.  One talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland really moved me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I cried through his whole talk.  It was about our Savior and how much do we love him? It can be watched here

Some of the questions he shared were as if he was Jesus saying to all of us, " DO YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN ALL OF THIS?"  *all of whatever else we may put before him..... our movies, books, video games, shopping... the list is long and for me... I can add food. *

DID NOT MY LIFE AND LOVE TOUCH YOU MORE THAN THIS? *as if Jesus were asking*  more than all the other things we choose to put into our lives to take up our time and energy.

Elder Holland then gave me more to think about...  Come judgement day, when I am blessed to meet with Christ face to face and he asks me..."DO YOU LOVE ME?"  will I be able to stand there and  say with a clear conscience. YES, OH YES MY LORD, I LOVE THEE SO VERY MUCH! *by what I did with my life... how I served others and shared the gospel. How I tried to live as Christlike as possible.

 It has been the question I am now asking myself every time I make a decision.  I say to myself, " Will this show Jesus that I love him?"   I want to make it one of our families new family motto's.   I want them to think every time they go to act or choose to do something.... "will this show that I love Jesus?" 

 I have  a lot of work to do...  to be able to say I have done all I could. I mentioned food above because I think if I feed my body things that are not healthy that I am not showing Him how much I love him. I was given this great blessing of a body.  How can I treat it so badly ? It is my personal temple. Like the temple I attend I would not dare enter in unworthily and this is how I must think about my body as well.

When I don't make time to connect with the Lord daily I am not showing HIM I love him. I want to show him, I want to be able to kneel at his feet and thank him for this life and look into his eyes and without him having to ask me... "DO YOU LOVE ME"  have him just respond with, " THOU GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT, WELCOME HOME"  I want him to know it... to not even need to ask it. I want to help others and serve others more. I want to teach it to my children.  I am now praying for help with this.... asking the Lord to guide me to opportunities to be able to do just that.

My husband did point out something that gave me great comfort. He said, " You already are serving... your family."  That meant a great deal to me, for him to not only recognize it but to point it out to me, because sometimes I feel like what I do is just my job, but indeed... Mothers everywhere do serve their families and loved ones constantly :) 

I am excited to think of new goals to make for myself and with my family that will be orientated about Christ and serving him.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Good bye to our Family Member Bowtie

My poor dog has not been doing well for a whole week. Last Sat on Kalene's wedding day he started to hop around like he has in the past. His one leg always swells up and then he is usually ok the next day... not this time. He stopped walking on it unless he had to. He stopped eating.... he has lost a lot of weight and is breathing heavy from pain. Our hearts are broken but we know we must help him and be humane. We are putting him to sleep today at 12:45. Oh I hate this part of life. Saying good bye.... its so hard!!!!!  The children feel so heavy hearted.  Just a couple of days after we decided to put him down a friend of ours puppy got killed by a car. That is sad. The DOG wasn't even 1 year old. So it made me realize... my dog has lived a good loving life! He has had adventures and his life isn't being cut short... we just would love to have him here with us forever. May he rest in peace, run on rainbows.... play with our other animals that have gone before him and be kept well by my Dad, sister, grandparents and friends that are there waiting for him!  WE LOVE YOU BOWTIE! WILL MISS YOU!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 20, 2014

I made it!

 This month has been one big whirl wind for me.... from Birthdays to a wedding.... I am wiped. My Mother is still here. I can now just enjoy her visit and have nothing on my plate to do unless I want to do it. At least until next week ... when its Bella's birthday and then a week after  Jesse get baptized...but its a WEEKS BREAK and I WILL TAKE IT!

The wedding was over the top beautiful! I can't believe how many wonderful friends came to help. It was put together so eligently. Pictures don't even show how beautiful it was.....  It was a dream if you ask me.   Kalene was beautiful... and everything went smoothly. Which is odd because usually there is always a hiccup somewhere.  I can't believe there were none.   My legs and knees and ankles have hurt for weeks now... I think I have been so busy I haven't sat much... so now I am resting them as much as I can..... at least this week.

I am really lost right now.. on where to say whatever and be myself.. I have these "GROWN UP KIDS" married and what have you still living with me and sometimes I feel like I can't say what I think anymore because now they take it differently and its hard. I am ready for them to all move on and be their own people in their own homes.  Its hard to do what we are right now for the fact that someone is always upset or taking something wrong.... and I don't want anymore relationship problems or connections.

I don't know how some people do it all. I really don't. We have a Stake President. I swear he never stops... and he is always smiling and he is always giving to others. I want to be like him. I want to always be able to do for others and have that ENERGY to do it...but keeping up with my own family seems to exhaust me.  I wish I could do what he does though.... He is amazing and Christ like. Such an example to me. I really admire him and am so thankful for all that he did for us with the wedding.  

I think I am sad today... I can't explain all of my feelings... or even why I am... It could be let down... the stress release thing.... It has been so overwhelming this month... I have tried so hard to keep such a good positive outlook with it all and take it all in stride and not be stressed... to ENJOY it and not  SURVIVE IT.  And I have enjoyed it all.... I think I can just breath a  little easier now.  

Our bills keep going up.. our food budget keeps getting smaller and there are more people to feed than ever. We still don't qualify for food stamps. I don't know how that isn't even possible. Our mortgage went up... STUPID TAXES!  the stress of money and how we will make it is always on my mind....    I am trying to figure out a job.   I could do daycare but emotionally and mentally I don't think I could because my own children are a handful....   I think I could go out and get a job but I am not sure anywhere would work with me for the hours that I would need to be home with the Children. We would move but to do that we have to recarpet the whole place or undersell and to get out we have to get at least what we owe. You don't sell to owe more... and I feel so stuck.  Sinking really. I am sinking in a big hole... and buried alive. 

anyhow...I guess I needed to vent. I don't want to blog to only vent. I have been blessed and there are so many wonderful blessings happening in my life. Just don't want to stress Todd out more than he is already and my friends don't need to hear this. Like what could they do anyhow.      

I want to go back to bed. My eyes are heavy.. but I think my Mom will wake up soon and I really want to spend every waking moment with her while I have her. I love her so!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

My Mom is here :)

My mom is here and for some reason she makes everything better. Like one BIG PARTY! I am going to be ok because she is here! So happy to have her. The kids are too..... I have missed her. She looks great. She quit smoking again. So proud of her!
We are all working up these last few days ... lots to do but with her will be a party!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A quiet moment

 Its quiet.... you want to know why.... its 3 am.  I have been wanting to write for a while but every time I sat down, someone would need me or need to talk to me and would disturb my thought... so here I am... I woke up.... remembered I had to throw the clothes in the dryer if my children were going to have something to wear today and then I couldn't go back to sleep. So I thought this is a perfect opportunity to write.

Where to start.................. my life is crazy busy and crazy full. I am thankful for it. Right now we have currently Virginia and Zoey living here... till the end the of the month when her Hubby will bring all their stuff from Washington and move them to Rexburg....  We have Kalene living here and her soon to be husband till bedtime every night... so he comes over first thing in the morning and is here eating and staying with us till its time to depart for bed... then he goes back to his parents house, all until this Sat when they are married. Then his room will be upstairs with Kalene.... I have all my other 6 children here.... and today my Mother comes. that is a grand total of 13 people I am housing and feeding.  It's been a challenge for the feeding part. I am not complaining just stating a fact. Making big meals that everyone loves, which none have complained, but its not my best area of talent so a challenge for me. But somehow... we are doing it on 300 every two weeks. We use to eat 500 every two weeks but money has been tight... and bills have all gone up including our mortgage... and so ... in order to pay everything we have to take from somewhere... so its the food budget.  I don't know how we are making it truly other than we are dipping into my food storage *which its there for that* and depleting it fast.  I have never seen my cubbards so bare... that might be why its also a challenge for me for meal time... because I have less to work with for dinner. Less to choose from on what to make. Oh but the Lord is so good to us. None of us go to bed hungry. We are all full and this month we have had so many birthdays already and somehow I have been able to make it special for each person. So thankful for that.

Jesse turned 8 years old yesterday. I can't believe it.  Every day he is still healing and growing and learning. He is wanting more responsibility and wants to do what his older brother does.... I am so proud of him. Of all the obstacles he has over come and is still overcoming. I love him so much.  His sisters...they are doing well too. Bella we still have emotional issues with..she is just a tender heart who needs more love than most and Ellie she is almost the opposite of Bella... She is a tough cookie and I worry because she is almost non emotional. But I am constantly praying for ways to help them and loving them the best I can and I hope in time they all heal.  I worry like I did with my first five... "AM I MESSING THEM UP "  and knowing the history of these littles... I worry a little more maybe about that.... am I enough.... But the answer is....  I have to be!

This kind farmer that Todd knows at work ... he and his wife can't have children and they have blessed us so much. They brought us a case of home made applesauce. It is the best I have ever tasted!   two months ago they brought us a huge box of apples.... they were so good..... They are constantly helping us... always when I am asking the Lord what will we do... They give us eggs from time to time... and honey too.  I am so indebted to them.  They are very kind and loving people and I pray they are blessed for all that they do. Someone else this week dropped off salad at our door. NO NOTE! I pray those people are blessed. Someone else dropped off clothes for the children.... just in time because my Jesse goes through so many shirts with his nervousness that he chews holes in them... and I can't afford to keep up. There was several shirts in this bag for Jesse and a pair of Jeans.... Several shirts and jacket for my Ellie and Bella and even clothes for Zoey. I am so thankful for all those who have us in mind. I can't ever repay them. It is always an answer to my prayers. People whoa re living are angels on earth when they do such kind acts of kindness and their thinking of us ... my family, touches me so very deeply.

I am so going to hate myself later for being up writing instead of sleeping. Some days I get up with Todd and I am in bed with the little children at 8...just wiped.  Its crazy how much trying to keep up and all that I do takes it out of me. 

MY MOTHER QUIT SMOKING! I am super excited... I pray this time it sticks. :) So happy!

My second daughter is getting married! THIS SAT! Crazy!~ I hope her day is special. We have done so much by hand to make it beautiful. I have been blessed with many helpers to decorate and to help serve the cookies and hot chocolate.  Her theme is snowflake. I hope that we can make it beautiful.  Super excited!   Crazy.... when your children get married you do sorta loose them. They become different. Its hard and good all at the same time. Its hard because I feel I can't connect in the same way I did before. There is a worry...for me anyhow that I will say or do something to loose them. Probably because of all that has happened between my first daughter and her husband and us.  But I have learned so much since then and I am trying so hard to be a better person and mother and in law and everything.  Truly I am!  But still....  its not the same. Which saddens me. Its no longer MOMMY  I NEED YOU... and my opinion doesn't rank as high.... there is a husband and I know its suppose to be this way.... just hard. I see it already in Kalene with her Kyle... She already values his thoughts and opinions and doesn't need mine.  Has some of her own. And its good. I have raised her.... she is amazing and will do great...I have prepared her for this time in her life to spread her own wings and fly just ... so hard as Mother to let go....  So many feelings inside... so many. from happy to sad...  the circle of life... my stage ..... its all so interesting.

Well I guess I have written enough to get back to bed for at least the 2 hours I have left.... scratch that.. one lol I will most likely just fall back to sleep and the alarm will go off... and my day will begin again.  So much to do today just to prepare for my mothers arrival.  I am tired... its been a long month already...e very day with much to accomplish. I am thankful I have been given the strength and patience and endurance to do all I have so far. But I am so looking forward to not having something to do next month. We are busy until after the 8th of next month. Crazy busy.... birthdays... and company.... and baptism coming up...

with all that is going on... I am just thankful... so thankful to my Heavenly Father for he has just blessed us over and over. When I thought I don't know how we will make it. Something has happened to helped.  My husband makes a great amount of money.... for people who had 2 children they would live               very very well! But our 8 and with them still living under our roof from time to time... till they can get jobs and on their feet... its a struggle.  But one I will continue doing for forever because this is what life is all about! FAMILY! I would rather be broke and have all my children with me and near me than rich and lonely! I am so blessed!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year! Its a new year... lots going on. Today was Todd's 46th birthday ;) And I made him a bunny ice cream pie with grahm cracker crust and peanut butter whip cream with drizzled chocolate ;) It was yummy.  I made him Chicken Paremsain for dinner. He was taken out by his Dad today and that was great :) He needed away ... and time with his Dad... His Dad stayed... a long time... I was surprised... he usually is in and out.... but I am thankful he stayed and chatted with Todd. :) Its good!

Aylin is still here till Saturday. She has had fun.... Christmas and New Years both :) Its been nice having her. She is getting so big....

I am really sad to loose so many of my young men in my class they are super amazing young guys who I believe are going to do so much in the future :) I made them a special plack and a note.... telling them how much I appreciate them and will miss them. I have to deliver them tomorrow.

I am doing great on WW.... surprisingly  because I am sorta stressed. I have lost a pound a day and I am eating? CRAZY! But I am eating right :) I hope it continues :)

We are getting things done and made for the wedding. Its looking good all that we are doing. I think it will be beautiful! :)

 Kalene and Kyle are looking for jobs and nothing yet. I worry... its a bad time to find a job... if you find one your lucky. I pray they can.

Virginia and Zoey come next week! I am super excited to have them here :)
I have all these plans for this new year.... exercise and diet well.... .make Christmas early this year ;) 

I still have not got Ellie to learn her ABC's... or write her name fully yet. I pray she can catch on before school starts...I fear she will be held back a year in kindergarden like Bella and Jesse and with Bella and Jesse,  I feel like it was ok, they have been thru so much and I hadn't had the time with them. With Ellie I have tried... daily... I don't know why she isn't catching on. I think she is super ADHD.  Not sure if I should start now on meds or looking into it.

Its been really cold. I am so thankful for our pellet stove. It makes the house nice and toasty and I would never be able to afford to heat it like this other wise :)

That is all for now...just stopping for a moment to type...