Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Move time

 I want to move. I am so over due for a move. My house fits us all so well and I am thankful for it..but our back yard is too small... I am tired of neighbors and our HOA fees are so stupid. I am ready to live in a smaller home, smaller house payment and bigger yard.... I am ready to be neighbor free and HOA free.. Have my camper in my yard... and zillion cars because we have zillion kids....

I need change. So much so! I would really love to move right now.... I am anxious for it. My husband drags his feet in these areas. I love new beginnings and new people... I want it so much!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Catch up

Its time to catch up....
So my older children are all moved out.... living on their own... trying to get pregnant....  doing great :)
My other 6 kids are now home for the summer :) My one daughter is healing from recent tragedies and my boys are Karate and loving it.
 We are currently waking up every day early to get one daughter to drivers ed and then I am teaching my youngest 3 to get into a daily habit of praying first... then reading scriptures... after breakfast we do some schooling to help them keep up and prepare for the upcoming year and the rest of the day is play , chores and maybe a project here and there.
One of my sons is off for several days camping..... and next week he turns 14. Crazy He is already taller than me.  :)
My parents are coming for a visit the week afte the 14th and I am looking forward to it :)

I want to repaint the house this summer.. We are talking about putting wood floors down and wood stairs in. :)  Then we might sell. My oldest is graduating this next year so we promised to wait for her to graduate first. But then we are down sizing into the forever home... the one we want t pay off and retire in :) 

Not sure where we will go yet... we want land is all we know :) and closer to my husbands work :)

Monday, May 12, 2014

A tragic Loss

 My daughter is dating someone very special for a good while now... I can see them lasting and getting married when he returns from his mission and his Mother and sister died in a horrible house fire. My heart is broken for this family..... my Daughter has been a mess all weekend.... I am lost as a MOTHER to how to comfort this special boy in our life......  He graduates next year. It was Mothers Day weekend and his mom died 2 days before. Its his mothers birthday the day of the funeral... so many hard 1st go thru.....   

You would think with all the death in my life, I would know how to comfort someone.  I have had many children in my life who have lost their mother...... and it was easier when the children were little... he is almost a man.... I can't just cuddle him and hold him and tell him he will be ok....

My heart is aching for them all... and watching my daughter is hard... I am trying to give her strength and comfort but feel like nothing I say is working....

Life is hard..... I don't understand all the workings of the Lord.... I have to have faith he knows what is best.... 

I pray our family never suffers such tragic events....even though I have already lost so many.....

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

My Children

  My children are all in different places and with my original 5 a long time I ago I use to leave scriptures for them to wake up to every day..... so I decided to do something like that again but this time its quotes and I am leaving them for them to find every day... just something to ponder.... hopefully a connection on how they might be feeling :) 

I have realized my youngest is going to be fine... just as normal as most children...a little crazy full of energy at times but so right where she needs to be..... I think I will struggle the most with my son who is 8.. he did go thru the worst of the trauma.... and he is still healing... seems slower some days..... My other daughter who is 7 is going to be ok too..if I can just reach her emotionally on self esteem....  love.... and who to be loyal to. She would throw the family down the drain and jump for friends and so yeah...I have my work cut out but we are working on it all and slowly I do feel that they are going to be ok.....

Easter is coming. I am so excited. We will be going to see my children who are married and living near the college 5 hours away :) Can't wait to see them and my grandbaby :)  It should be a great Easter.... 

I am not looking forward to sleeping on the floor.... and one of these days we will have to tell our kids they should give us their beds... but I really had hoped they would come to that conclusion on their own. 

anyhow... these have been the thoughts and ramblings of my mind lately... crazy as it it sounds it consumes my mind some days....

Friday, April 11, 2014

God's Hands in our lives....

 I love that my daughter calls me and says she wants to share God's hands in her life.... We have all been praying that her husband would get a job... I have been pouring out my soul over worry to the Lord on this matter and yesterday he got called by 4 different  job places and each wanting an interview and one hiring him on the phone.... :) He hopes to have 2 jobs by the end of today :) They so need this... and it seems like they have been just beaten down and when things look up.. something else happens... Their trials are much harder than mine ever were as a newlywed... as a mother its worries me.. How are they? Are they making it? Do they need anything.. I will ask and they say they are fine. They don't want to ask for more help... they don't want me to help because to my daughter it makes them feel like they are not adults.... or something.... even though they are parents... .and  so.... when my daughter called sharing this joyful news.... I cried.... when I got off the phone I ran to my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father.  I am so thankful!!!!! I just want all my children to be ok.. to have good lives where they don't struggle and are happy.  I want them all healthy too....

You never stop worrying about your children... even when they grow up and leave.....


I haven't been getting my sleep at night. I swear if its not the kids its the animals. I have this huge lab.. and he is so sweet and good but his tail is strong and hits everything everywhere he goes... so at 3 am this morning he comes up and his tail is hitting all the walls and doors as he passes them... and gets me up to let him out..... and then I get back in bed and not 20 minutes later maybe even sooner.... I hear little children awake...ugh!!!!!!!! so we say.. go back to bed..... then I am almost asleep again and I hear another noise..its the dog... laying on the midway stair..he is just so big and so when he layed down it was a huge thump against the wall.. so I go to check thinking again a child is up.... and when the dog see's me.. he decided to come sleep in my room... between him and my husband BREATHING *because I am frustrated at this point* I couldn't sleep all the noise...      and so my morning was shot.... I hate it when I can't sleep and being woken after fallen asleep....

anyhow.... happy to see my children are doing well. Hoping my other daughter and her husband can find a job now..... :)  Then all will be right for us.... 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A rough year

  I am worried this year is going to be rough....   I kinda felt that way when it started and its turning out to be true..... My sister in law has cancer.... she has the most amazing attitude.... She truly shows faith that she is going to win and kick CANCERS BUTT! But every time I hear the latest findings and news...I am left with I wonder how long we really have with her... Its stage 4.. its everywhere.  I also feel like when she leaves my Father in Law is just going to follow suit.... His wife died 3 years ago to cancer and now his daughter.... I can see him just giving up. you know how you hear people dying of a broken heart... It will be him.... I am not kidding.... Just trying to prepare......

 I hurt for my husband...> His whole life he has tried to be close with his family ... we live here because of them... and year after year we really still feel we are not as close as we would like to be. My husband goes to visit his sister while she isn't well... He tries to have a conversation with her and she just wants to watch tv.... giving him a  couple glimpses here and there and nods her head..... yes.. or acts interested.. Its times like this that breaks my heart for my husband.....   He is broken that all these years living here hasn't brought us as close as we had hoped and now she is dying.     

I know his pain.... I do... I have a sister who is dead and one parent as well. I know his pain all too well and this morning as we cuddled I cried for my husband... for the pain he is about to endure and feel....  The many questions of WHY?  and all that is about to follow....  crazy.  She is so young...          with children that still need her here... and all we can do is try to have Faith that God knows what is best..... 

We also are struggling with watching our children struggle in life. Just trying to get started and make it... things are so financially tight everywhere... Finding a job is a huge blessing and keeping one is even bigger.... and I want so badly to know my children who are married are all going to be ok... That they can find secure jobs and make it... THRIVE and be happy....   Right now...t hey are all struggling and it is a heavy weight on my heart and mind....

I know my husband and I never struggled so much as our children are.... We were well off newlyweds... He was already in the Navy.. making a great income. We had insurance.... we had bought our first apt... a month early and went yard selling collecting things for our home to be since we dated and knew we were meant to be.... we did that even with our children's things... buying way in advance things we wanted for our babies and children.... so when the time came we had what we needed......     We were so blessed..... I just want those same blessings for my children.

I wish I were rich.... so I could help so many struggling financially... I wish we could have our own successful company and work for ourselves hiring our children and friends who need an income.... and good job......          

A lot is on my mind this morning...  Sadness is in my heart.... I feel we have some trials of heart ache ahead.

Monday, April 7, 2014

General Conference April 2014

 Oh how I love General Conference!  I love being in my home with my children gathered around... watching Conference... hearing our leaders and prophet speak inspiring and spiritually led talks that we all need to hear.  It always helps me.... I always find great direction and motivation to continue becoming a better Christ like person and doing all the things the Lord needs of me.
  Here is the link if your interested in hearing all the great talks...

The week before Conference, my husband and I were able to go to the temple... and there I found great peace.  I always do and love it there...
While there all the people in our session were reminded to keep our covenants and the commandments with exactness.... during a prayer.  I have pondered on that since... how can I be more exact with everything I strive to do....  from scripture reading, to prayer, serving others and fhe.  I can see where I need to grow and do better. I am trying now to do just that...

Well in conference it sounded like the same theme.... to me anyhow... maybe because I am focused on this right now. 

The Prophet talked about being true to the faith....  and being very much involved in doing the Lord's work

I loved Elder Hollands talk.. so very powerful!  He talked about many things... but everything was with conviction and such spirit.  He talked about how Jesus was tormented and treated badly by others, how he suffered... and yet he was always thinking of others... putting their needs first....  

I want to be like that...  I have several people in my life who I have to be apart of their life because we are family. And as sad as I am that family would treat me and my family as poorly as they sometimes do.... I want to be like Christ. I want to still remember its a reflection of them and I need to be Christ like.. forgive them... find the good in them and still love them.  Its hard... sometimes my heart aches so.... the things they do or don't do hurts ...but this trial will make me a better person if I just continue to strive to be like Jesus.

Elder Holland talked about how the world wants an easy God... one that says its ok.. go have fun, eat drink and merry....  live whatever life style you want... just be happy.... so on and so forth...  He hit the gay/lesbian part well I thought, so well that I felt compassion for those striving to live the laws of GOD and not of the world.... How hard it must be for those in the church , who know that God made man and woman to become one and no other combination.  How my heart aches for those who struggle with the desire to be with the same sex ... what a trial and yet they stand strong, hopefully in holy places.  How not only does the world come at them but I am sure the gay/lesbian community as well... 

Elder Holland was firm... and yet so honest and loving... I love that about his talk. Its probably his nature and I am sure many of us can learn from his example.  To STAND STRONG in what we KNOW to be true... no matter the cost.  I feel that the times will get hard... that people will treat us differently in the near future and we will have to stand strong... that is why its important now to get our testimonies in the right place.... to know the scriptures... to have the spirit of the Lord with us... so that we may be directed at all times... in all things as we do stand as a witness of God and his principles and gospel truths.... :)

  Elder Ronald Rasband's talk was a wonderful reminder of the needs of many and how we need to serve others... bearing one anothers  burdens... lifting one anothers  spirits.....  and how we will be blessed if we do the Lord's work

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

88 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

How we have to take upon us the discipleship and be that servant to the Lord and to our brothers and sisters in the world.... I want that blessing in the scripture... to have god on my right and left side... and to have his spirit in my heart always... To have angels around me... what a blessing!

 I loved Robert Hales talk on be careful who you follow... Oh how I hope that some of my friends heard that one... I am worried about some of them... they seem to be following nonsense from people who claim to have talked to ANGELS and they are using fear to sell oils and such... and my friends are caught up in it... so much that they will not hear me if I try to help them... and I might have to just distance myself from them for a while till they can see clearly.

If GOD wanted the world to know something it will be in our scriptures or told from the Prophet... if there is some specific revelation for you or your family than the leader in your home will receive such divine inspiration and revelation for your family.... its just how it works and it saddens me to see many fall away from truth and righteousness because they are longing for something in their life... Satan is surely a tricky one... ready to ensare us all.... with a little truth and a whole lot of lies...  Fear is not of God either.. and I would hope that they would get that.... but I guess its their trial..and all I can do is pray for them.

Elder Hales also spoke words that reminded me of the temple session... "IF YOU LOVE ME KEEP MY COMMANDMENTS"  How many of us put so much before us... .a check list of things to do... and where in that check list is scripture time, ponder time... prayer time... family time.... the things that matter the most? Service to others?    I know its made me really rethink and prioritize my lists....  I hope to be better at showing Christ my love for him...

There were so many wonderful talks..I am just reviewing my notes...

 Elder Claudio D. Zivic gave a wonderful talk on keeping the commandments as well and reminded us how Jesus is everything... everything we have or are able to do is because of him and how we need to remember him always.... thanking him always.... dedicating our every move and action to him....  He reminds us to repent and often.
I loved his talk and how he said let no corrupt communication erupt from our mouthes... WOW did that one hit home...I know myself .. I am not always so sweet and our children to each other at times are quit harsh... and even my husband and I in our frustrated moments of disciplining our children are quick and harsh. THERE IS A LOT OF WORK THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN THIS ONE AREA ALONE!
Thank heavens this life we are training to become perfect and not actually expected to be perfect... :)

Elder Russel Nelson's talk was great and along  the same theme of being committed to keeping the commandments with exactness....   He said, "scriptural knowledge provides security" and I believe this statement to be true....
He reminds us that God's laws must ever be our standards.  And to continue to liken our scriptures unto our lives.
 We need to have courage to stand for principle and to let our faith show who we are :)
We grow line upon line and precept upon precept... and that is important to remember.

Richard Scott's talk basically said if we commit to obeying all of God's commandments than our families will be strengthened... that is a beautiful promise and I know this to be true for when our family is working hard at being Christ like and doing all we can to be good... we have more peace and harmony with in our home...its almost like being at the temple :)
There is more love too

Another talk that really hit home was Elder Michael John U. Teh's ... he said something that really struck me.... he shared a touching story of woman who was poor and she stated... "SHE ACCEPTS ALL THINGS THE LORD HAS HER GO THRU.. in trials... and ALL THAT HE ASKS HER TO DO"   that one... was A WOW to me... how many times have I complained in my times of trials?  TOO MANY! I need to be more willing to accept my trials.... and do it with gratitude and do it with humility and happiness... it can always be worse.... and my trials (some are hard for me) are for the bettering of ME! :) Its the refiners fire :)   I have to keep this one in mind.....

He also touched on our treasures on earth verses the ones in heaven... and which are we focusing on... It was really good food for thought stuff :)

Elder D. Todd Christofferson ... can I just say I LOVE THIS MAN!!! his talks always inspire me....    He said something I never really thought about before...its so true but I just never thought about Christ like this......   THAT NO MAN TOOK HIS LIFE... HE LAID IT DOWN!    I just was in awe over that thought... .its true... Christ prayed... asked God 3 times... did he have to go thru with this... then he said they will be done... and  he ALLOWED THE PEOPLE TO DO ALL THAT THEY DID... and HE was the one who finally said to his father to take him...he had enough... he could of endured more... *not that I would of wanted that...* but he also didn't have to allow those people to take him... to sacrifice him or do all that they did.... he had the power to stop them and chose to not.... that made me see things differently.   It was something I have contemplated since he said it.

   Then another favorite.. *I think I love them all* President Dieter F. Uchtdorf  He talked about GRATITUDE!!!!!
"  We can be GRATEFUL ; Set a side the bottle of bitterness and instead lift up the bottle of gratitude. We can find a purifying drink of healing, peace and understanding"

that prompted me to immediately write a post on FB about how grateful I am for the many people in my life who have taught me many things.... and have helped me *either good or bad* in becoming the person I am today.... and his talk also reminded us to bring back GRATITUDE PRAYERS at night for family prayers... so that is what we will do. :)   
HE too reminded us all to be thankful in our trials and to not MURMUR against God... especially during those times... that the many people in the scriptures are great examples of  NOT MURMURING against God during such times of trial... to be thankful... and to praise God.... I hope to actually one day be able to do this... it sounds hard...but we all must be able to do this for we are God's children created in his image with great potential :)

 Elder Ballard encouraged us to read PREACH MY GOSPEL as a family... so for FHE I might try to incorporate it... I haven't yet even looked at this book but I will now.

Jean A. Stevens     said a beautiful thing ... that I  loved... and want to remember ...  THE GOSPEL IS WINGS ... IT CARRIES US! I love that... so many people feel overwhelmed by doing all the things the Lord expects us to do... along with daily life .. work... family and extra curricular activities.... and they seem to put everything else first.. because we are in the world.. and naturally we just do the day to day living stuff...but if we remember the Lord and his things come first...the blessings will be great!!!!!!!!

Another Talk that said a lot of the theme of Obey Gods Commandments and do the things we have to do... was Bishops Gary Stevensons talk.  He reminded us this life is the time to prepare to meet God... Run the Race that we may obtain the Prize.... To have self discipline.... and OBEY

Elder Bednar's talk was great...  and talked about our daily loads.... and how they can help us become better even they seem heavy... and he encouraged us to study the Saviors Atonement.

The Prophet reminded us all to treat others with kindness and the most important commandment out there is to LOVE THEY GOD and TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER :)      

Those were the ones that impressed me the most.. .but there were many more... :) If you did not hear it... or see it... I encourage you to go to LDS.ORG and watch General Conference :)  It is a great blessing to have these great leaders direct our paths on the straight and narrow!  I know all the things that they shared to be true. I might not do it all perfectly but I am striving to do them... and hopefully with exactness :)

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Second Coming...

 When I was  a child... I pictured the second coming all happening at once... the wars and rumors of wars... the earth quakes/floods/tornados... etc.  I also use to think that the Prophet would get up one day and say ITS TIME... PACK YOUR STUFF AND GO!

But now... I don't. I feel that its all really happening right before our eyes...but because its not happening all over at once.... maybe others are not recognizing it. Because the Prophet isn't saying ITS TIME in so many words... that others are not hearing it.....

The tsunamis, the floods, the fires.... the earth quakes... the tornado's... THE WINTER STORM that is so bad that they have NO SALT to help the people back east.....  This is what the scriptures are talking about. The soon to be civil war want to be in Russia...  all of it......  People just sluff it off...its just a storm... or its just a earth quake...   or oh how horrible for them... but to me.. I see one big spider web.... all of this will eventually affect us all. The food..... the land... the farmers....  everything..... 

The Prophet stopped a long time ago telling us to get food storage.... people were warned and they still did nothing so why beat your head up against a wall. I don't want my children to go hungry or my family... .or my neighbors and their children.....   I don't want to be that GRASSHOPPER who plays all day... I want to be the ANT!~ Who works, prepares and does what he should.

There has been a conference that said... its time.. TO SHARE OUR TESTIMONIES everywhere...a HASTENING!  To me that says.. HURRY  HASTEN... HURRY we have a short time left....  

The government is worsening and I don't see it getting better. I see it failing completely.  It is scary. This gun rights thing.... scary....  I think we need our guns to protect ourselves.... The bad guys will always find a way to get guns....

there is so much on my mind..... I feel there are many distractions in this life... So many. I go into a store and it is full from top to bottom OF THINGS... everywhere.... things I would even enjoy but its a distraction... What do I NEED? What does my family NEED? That is what I should buying not things I WANT!  Things that I will eventually have to dust often or store somewhere or resell at a garage sell.  THINGS...they don't matter.... FOOD... WATER.... being healthy.... that matters..... having what we need!  

I just had to write my thoughts... I think the second coming is around the corner. I think it really is.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Missing my Grandbaby!

 Today I am missing the sounds of my grandbaby. Her smile... her giggles... even her cries.. I miss my daughter Virginia.... but I am so happy for her. They are all finally getting on their feet... doing what they need to..having their own little family and life.   It hurts a little... at the same time.... its such a bitter sweet thing.... Your whole life is your children... all that you do... and every day why you wake up. Then one day they leave and its suppose to happen but you miss being apart of their life.  Soon Kalene and Kyle will leave.... them having jobs and not being here during the day will probably help me with the switch.... when they move out...but they are leaving one by one..... and I am happy for them all.... and I am sad for me.... because I am kinda lost.  I have still have children at home to raise and be busy with but there is something missing... its the other children who are now all grown up.  

I remember being young.... starting out in life... the excitement...the dreaming we did... Oh the window shopping and planning for the future.... and now Todd and I are in a weird place.... we are thining retirement.  *A SCARY STAGE I WILL ADMIT*  Scary because.... it means closer to the end. I have seen my life go by so fast already. I know its flying.... and I am truly trying to treasure up every moment.... be IN THE MOMENT! The more I get older, the more I am learning this.

I am learning to allow my little children to touch things they were never allowed to touch as infants... and it kinda feels like I am raising them under GRANDMA style because most new mommies are like "Don't touch this or that..." and I am like.... "ITS OK :) " and its different. I am enjoying watching them explore the world around them. Its so very different being a grandma.   I am a lot less strict with my youngest than I was with my first five. Its so interesting to think about.

My mom is getting older... .I don't know how long I have with her but I treasure every phone call and minute I have had with her. I just love her so much! She is one of my very best friends.

Friends.... I have gotten in this rut... where I am not making time for friends. Its probably not good.  I just like my routine... and the quiet.... and I am to this point where I don't want to entertain. This is probably really bad...everyone needs friends. I just don't feel so close to too many people.

I think I need to start a routine that is good. I was thinking of getting our family into a MUSIC HOUR :) And having music playing or them learning something.... and I have thought about a family walk at night now that its not FREEZING! I even thought I would do it during the day with my Ellie.   I need to get back to excercising... then divide my time with chores, and crafts.  Then the rest of my time is family. 

Anyhow... I am missing my ZOEY! She is just so precious! I love her. I have been so blessed to see her thru her first year... she took her first steps with me... she said some of her first words with me... she crawled with me... and she broke her first teeth with me.  I love that! I am so thankful for my little namesake! She is precious! I can't wait for more :)

Saturday, February 8, 2014

A Baptism!

Today is the Day! Jesse gets baptized! I am so excited for him! He is so excited he dressed and we have 2 hours to go. His smile says it all! I am so excited.          This is Jesse right before. He was so excited... and then the guys all disappeared and I went looking for them and found them in their suits shoveling driveways for the neighbors :) So great!


It was a wonderful day! One I hope Jesse will never forget. I won't. I couldn't stop crying. We literally have brought him out of the darkness and into the light! I am so thankful he is mine, he is healing and that we have been given the opportunity to love such a special little man! :) He will do great things! He is destined for greatness!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

letting go

I found this quote... in a book off a friends blog. Not sure who the author is...just it said so much to me....      "Because in the end you can't always choose what to keep, you can only choose how you let it go."
 Right now I am using this with many things.... with things I need to get rid of that I have had since a little girl.... family things... that I don't usually look at a lot or even use but I can't just trash it or get rid of it so I am passing it on to my brother and children NOW!!!!!

And I also look at this like my children who are married.  I can't choose to keep things the way they were before they got married because EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED! no matter what I have tried to do .... they have a partner now... someone they are turning to and its hard because I don't feel as needed and I am not sure still where my place is in their lives.  Is it just to be the babysitter over their children?  Or do they want a relationship with me?   My newly married daughter has become seriously private and they live with us right now, just temporary and its just as if they are the only two people in the world that exist. I try to ask how they are and make conversation but it ends quickly because they are not invested or so it feels this way. Which is ok...they are newly married right now its all about them in their little world. I just worry... after how things have gone down with my first daughter and her husband... will things be like this with all of my children? so when I saw this quote I felt it.... I just have to let go and hope for the best... take what I get.... and do great things with whatever that is.... and hope for the best. Its just  hard.

I saw this picture in this one house... it was so beautifully done. Everyone was dressed in all white. Very heavenly... and the children were all sitting and looking at the parents  and the parents were facing the children. I thought... "I WANT A PICTURE LIKE THAT" it just seemed so beautiful to me. Something out of the scriptures...but then reality hit and I don't think my oldest and her husband would want to be apart of a picture like that. So.... that won't be happening. But it was a beautiful picture.... and something in side me worried that it will never be like that.... I feel my children are better than I am.... seems at everything...f rom talents to being good Christians. I am glad... I want that. I want them to make better choices than I did and have less heart ache. I want them to succeed in life.... but I don't want to be looked down upon and I don't feel I have that respect that I gave my parents and naturally still feel towards them. I don't feel I have that from my children. Its an interesting feeling... not insecurity.... it is a reality at least to me.  And I don't know where I have gone wrong. 

Jesse is doing better with his med changes. WE are taking him off concerta and giving him stratterra and it seems to be doing well :) He is sleeping.... I have to keep telling myself that his bad behavior moments are not from lack of medicine...that I have to teach him. There is no pill to teach a child how to behave..... wouldn't it be nice though... he is just different on the concerta. I think he is better without it...still waiting to find out. I hope it all works.... I want him to be on less medicines that are stimulants... and more natural things.  

Well I will end this...just thoughts that have creeped inside me today... that I have to let go and sometimes its the only way I know how to get them gone is to write.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Changes.... and refining :)

 Every day I am seeing changes put before me ... in order for me to do the things the Lord needs and wants me to do.  When I am faithful and heed to the promptings its all amazing to me.  I recognized that I have been prepared since Dec 21st.... when I was given a special dream which I did write about here.... in this dream it showed me sharing my testimony of ADOPTION and the need for children to have families.  Saturday morning I woke up early and felt the need to share my testimony and so I did it here and face book. I thought it was enough.... but come Sunday during Sacrament the spirit was so strong. It prompted me to share my testimony in church. I fought it.. I didn't want to... nervous and what not...  But I did... everyone was very quiet. Several people had tears in their eyes. I can't even recall all that I said. But I know every word I said felt so powerful to me and my testimony was shared with strength and conviction. Many people came up to me and told me that they enjoyed my testimony and thanked me. That is always nice to hear.  But I didn't do it for that.... then this one lady I do not know came up to me and handed me a letter. In it was the sweetest letter and request.   She told me how my heartfelt testimony touched her and that she knew I must share it with her daughter who can not have children.  She gave me her phone number but I felt weird calling her.  So my husband encouraged me to go to her house last night. Which we did.  I was so nervous and worried we were interrupting their evening. But I was acting on what I feel is a new call from God to me.  So they welcomed us into their home and we got acquainted. They are very nice people and she told me all about her children and her daughter. We talked for a long time. I told her about us and how we came to adopt. She just got more excited hearing our story with tears in her eyes. She told me I must meet her daughter when she comes to visit in may and share with her everything I had shared with them. I agreed. She gave me a picture of her daughter  and we left. 

This direction of helping others consider adoption and completing eternal families is very interesting to me. A little scary. I am not sure what I am to say... I am trying to go by the spirit and wait for it to instruct me. I would like to think that this is a great call from God and I am worthy to do it. But I feel so inadequate and maybe I am putting too much into this like its not that important. I just know with all that I am ... the dream was a prep for me... to tell me this will happen. I will have to share what I know about adoption with others. My convictions and why I would do it all over again. I will have to share all the things I have learned on this journey and why Heavenly Father needs more children adopted and sealed to families.   I do know that children without a family are lost... They have no where to call home. I do compare it to the gospel. People without are lost. Without faith.... without knowing their savior Jesus Christ are lost.... they are unhappy and the two really do go hand in hand with one another. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.... trying to be like him can and will heal others... Children and adults alike.  These are things I know... and these are the things I will share. I just hope when I do... I can do it the way the Lord wants/needs me to... with the spirit with me so that others feel what I say to be true :)

Saturday, February 1, 2014

My thoughts as I woke up.

I woke up this morning needing to bare my testimony of the things I have seen come about in my life. Things I can never deny and things that have been nothing short of a miracle. When I say miracle, I hold these little miracles that I have been blessed to witness and be apart of... to the value of a huge miracle that some would consider miracles, as in raising of the dead or healing the lame.  I testify that miracles do happen today on this earth for I have seen many of them happen within that last three years of my life and I know I have seen more but this is what I know I am to share at this time.

Brothers and sisters, the GOSPEL of JESUS CHRIST is restored and here today for our prosperity's joy and our joy! Everyone of us struggle daily with some trial in our life. Everyone of us are looking for answers in our life at different times for different things and the answers are here in the gospel. The principles and gospel of Jesus Christ are true and they bring us joy when we are living accordingly.  The gospel has HEALING in it. It can heal us from any wound, be it physical, spiritual or emotional and I have seen it and witness to it. I could never deny it! 

Three years ago the Lord once again took me by my hand and showed me that HIS PLAN was better than MY PLAN. That HE knew all and that if I just took that leap of faith that all would be well. Three years ago I knew through personal revelation and spiritual growth that I would adopt a boy and a girl... what I didn't know was I would adopt a boy and TWO little girls. The Lord had opened up my heart and prepared me, but oh I still had so much growing to do.   When our children came to us... it was such a blessing to be able to go into the house of the Lord *THE TEMPLE* and fast and pray over these children. The answer was so clear... YES THESE ARE YOUR CHILDREN AND THEY ARE THE ONES TO COMPLETE YOUR FAMILY! There was no doubt.  To have that blessing of NO DOUBT at that moment... that surety... what a gift!

I testify to you that angels are on this earth! They come as people... you and I!  I have 8 very special angels in my life that have been apart of some amazing miracles, if not the cause of many of them.  I am talking about my amazing 5 older children and husband. Who all are great examples to me and to these 3 children of what SACRAFICE and CHRIST LIKE LOVE IS!!!!!  I am talking about my mother and father who have been amazing and loving grandparents who have openly accepted these children as mine from the start.  My five older children have been patient, they have sacrificed much for us to be able to adopt them. They have given of their love freely and their time. They have been a huge example of how to act, speak and the things that these little children should do.  I am so very thankful for them all.  I know that my little children would not be as HEALED as they are if it weren't for these amazing siblings in their life, their Father and grandparents!

To know where my adopted children came from. To know where they have been and to see where they are now. ITS A MIRACLE! Next week my son gets baptized. He has come so far and healed so much. I testify that there is HEALING IN THIS GOSPEL!!!!!!!!! THAT ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST AND WITH CHRIST! I have seen in it in our family! 

I am so very thankful for ETERNAL FAMILIES!  Do you know how many children are homeless, parentless, family-less? Who are searching and lost and have nothing, especially because they don't have the GOSPEL in their life.  It breaks my heart and how I wish I had the energy and means to adopt more and to bring more into our eternal family.  That one precious gift from our Lord has done more healing with my little children than almost anything. TO KNOW THEY HAVE SOMEONE THAT WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONAL! TO HAVE A FAMILY NAME! TO HAVE A PLACE TO CALL HOME! TO HAVE SOMEONE TO VISIT DURING THE HOLIDAYS! What a priceless gift! 

This Eternal plan that our Heavenly Father has given us... its beautiful! I am so thankful for it.  I could never deny it. I testify to it. That he wants us all to be ETERNAL! He wants us all to be sealed to one another in this lifetime and the lifetime to come.  It is apart of HIS PLAN!

There is much hope, healing and joy in the scriptures... in the gospel!!!!   We were meant to live joyful lives with hope and with all the blessing from our Heavenly Father that he has in store for us.

My son is going to be baptized next week. He wants this. He loves Jesus Christ and he loves church. He goes to church every Sunday because he WANTS TO. He looks forward to it. He feels only more loved there.... He feels great peace there and he knows that this is where God wants him to be. He talks about going on a mission. MY SON, THE ONE WHO CAME TO ME THROWING TANTRUMS FOR SAYING A PRAYER OR TALKING ABOUT JESUS....  Who was so lost.... so hurt and so angry at such a young age *for good reasons*  MY SON is going to do GREAT THINGS! BECOME A GREAT LEADER, because I already see him as one... and He is going to continue healing and growing in every wonderful way, spiritually, emotionally and physically.   ALL OF THIS WAS AND IS POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST, for that is what lead me when I was lost on how to reach him or help him. For that was my book that I used or manual.

I think about the big picture...  all the possibilities my children have now because we gave them something so simple.... a family. AN ETERNAL FAMILY, which can only happen in the TEMPLE, the HOUSE OF THE LORD.  It all started there...  I am so very thankful for this gospel. For all it has taught me and for all that I try to teach my children. I am so very thankful that my Heavenly Father knows me better than I do and has a better plan in store for me and for my family, one better than I thought I had....  I am so thankful for all the faith growing experiences I have been blessed to have and I testify to each one of them... I know God lives, I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and I am so thankful for all that he endured so that I might return to live with him again, with my eternal family by my side. I am so thankful that Joseph Smith had the faith and courage to go and find the golden plates and then restore them for us these latter days. I am so very thankful for the Gospel and all the principles it teaches us... that our church is set up like it was when Jesus Christ was a live with a living prophet and apostles. With people giving freely of their time and talents to build up the Kingdom of God... all that they do, all that WE DO is for HIM!  I am thankful for personal revelation and know that we are not left here alone to deal with anything that comes our way. That God has sent us angels ... seen and unseen from both sides of the veil to help us in our time of need.  I am thankful for all of my children. For their example to me and strength. They endure things in their youth I never did and they are strong and brave. They are Christ like and I am thankful to call them mine, for eternity!~

I am thankful for the Priesthood and the power and healing gifts that we have through it!  I am very thankful that my husband and sons hold this priesthood and carry it honorably!  Everything that is good and right in my life at this very moment is because of the Gospel and my Savior.   Everything that I struggle with is going to be ok because of the same reason.  Every day I am taught something new and brought to greater faith and understanding of HIS PLAN for ME!  My heart is over joyed and words can not express the gratitude or feelings for it all, all these amazing and beautiful blessings.  

I just had to share the thoughts that were running through my mind this morning as I woke up.... I testify to all that I have said is true. 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Oct 8th 2012 a blog post I wrote

I was rereading thru out old posts I had made and I found this one. I thought it was a great reminder so I thought I would reshare it to remind myself of these feelings I had felt.

Do you love me?
This weekend was General Conference. I loved it. There were very powerful talks given, many touching my heart and lifting my spirits.  One talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland really moved me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I cried through his whole talk.  It was about our Savior and how much do we love him? It can be watched here

Some of the questions he shared were as if he was Jesus saying to all of us, " DO YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN ALL OF THIS?"  *all of whatever else we may put before him..... our movies, books, video games, shopping... the list is long and for me... I can add food. *

DID NOT MY LIFE AND LOVE TOUCH YOU MORE THAN THIS? *as if Jesus were asking*  more than all the other things we choose to put into our lives to take up our time and energy.

Elder Holland then gave me more to think about...  Come judgement day, when I am blessed to meet with Christ face to face and he asks me..."DO YOU LOVE ME?"  will I be able to stand there and  say with a clear conscience. YES, OH YES MY LORD, I LOVE THEE SO VERY MUCH! *by what I did with my life... how I served others and shared the gospel. How I tried to live as Christlike as possible.

 It has been the question I am now asking myself every time I make a decision.  I say to myself, " Will this show Jesus that I love him?"   I want to make it one of our families new family motto's.   I want them to think every time they go to act or choose to do something.... "will this show that I love Jesus?" 

 I have  a lot of work to do...  to be able to say I have done all I could. I mentioned food above because I think if I feed my body things that are not healthy that I am not showing Him how much I love him. I was given this great blessing of a body.  How can I treat it so badly ? It is my personal temple. Like the temple I attend I would not dare enter in unworthily and this is how I must think about my body as well.

When I don't make time to connect with the Lord daily I am not showing HIM I love him. I want to show him, I want to be able to kneel at his feet and thank him for this life and look into his eyes and without him having to ask me... "DO YOU LOVE ME"  have him just respond with, " THOU GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT, WELCOME HOME"  I want him to know it... to not even need to ask it. I want to help others and serve others more. I want to teach it to my children.  I am now praying for help with this.... asking the Lord to guide me to opportunities to be able to do just that.

My husband did point out something that gave me great comfort. He said, " You already are serving... your family."  That meant a great deal to me, for him to not only recognize it but to point it out to me, because sometimes I feel like what I do is just my job, but indeed... Mothers everywhere do serve their families and loved ones constantly :) 

I am excited to think of new goals to make for myself and with my family that will be orientated about Christ and serving him.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Good bye to our Family Member Bowtie

My poor dog has not been doing well for a whole week. Last Sat on Kalene's wedding day he started to hop around like he has in the past. His one leg always swells up and then he is usually ok the next day... not this time. He stopped walking on it unless he had to. He stopped eating.... he has lost a lot of weight and is breathing heavy from pain. Our hearts are broken but we know we must help him and be humane. We are putting him to sleep today at 12:45. Oh I hate this part of life. Saying good bye.... its so hard!!!!!  The children feel so heavy hearted.  Just a couple of days after we decided to put him down a friend of ours puppy got killed by a car. That is sad. The DOG wasn't even 1 year old. So it made me realize... my dog has lived a good loving life! He has had adventures and his life isn't being cut short... we just would love to have him here with us forever. May he rest in peace, run on rainbows.... play with our other animals that have gone before him and be kept well by my Dad, sister, grandparents and friends that are there waiting for him!  WE LOVE YOU BOWTIE! WILL MISS YOU!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 20, 2014

I made it!

 This month has been one big whirl wind for me.... from Birthdays to a wedding.... I am wiped. My Mother is still here. I can now just enjoy her visit and have nothing on my plate to do unless I want to do it. At least until next week ... when its Bella's birthday and then a week after  Jesse get baptized...but its a WEEKS BREAK and I WILL TAKE IT!

The wedding was over the top beautiful! I can't believe how many wonderful friends came to help. It was put together so eligently. Pictures don't even show how beautiful it was.....  It was a dream if you ask me.   Kalene was beautiful... and everything went smoothly. Which is odd because usually there is always a hiccup somewhere.  I can't believe there were none.   My legs and knees and ankles have hurt for weeks now... I think I have been so busy I haven't sat much... so now I am resting them as much as I can..... at least this week.

I am really lost right now.. on where to say whatever and be myself.. I have these "GROWN UP KIDS" married and what have you still living with me and sometimes I feel like I can't say what I think anymore because now they take it differently and its hard. I am ready for them to all move on and be their own people in their own homes.  Its hard to do what we are right now for the fact that someone is always upset or taking something wrong.... and I don't want anymore relationship problems or connections.

I don't know how some people do it all. I really don't. We have a Stake President. I swear he never stops... and he is always smiling and he is always giving to others. I want to be like him. I want to always be able to do for others and have that ENERGY to do it...but keeping up with my own family seems to exhaust me.  I wish I could do what he does though.... He is amazing and Christ like. Such an example to me. I really admire him and am so thankful for all that he did for us with the wedding.  

I think I am sad today... I can't explain all of my feelings... or even why I am... It could be let down... the stress release thing.... It has been so overwhelming this month... I have tried so hard to keep such a good positive outlook with it all and take it all in stride and not be stressed... to ENJOY it and not  SURVIVE IT.  And I have enjoyed it all.... I think I can just breath a  little easier now.  

Our bills keep going up.. our food budget keeps getting smaller and there are more people to feed than ever. We still don't qualify for food stamps. I don't know how that isn't even possible. Our mortgage went up... STUPID TAXES!  the stress of money and how we will make it is always on my mind....    I am trying to figure out a job.   I could do daycare but emotionally and mentally I don't think I could because my own children are a handful....   I think I could go out and get a job but I am not sure anywhere would work with me for the hours that I would need to be home with the Children. We would move but to do that we have to recarpet the whole place or undersell and to get out we have to get at least what we owe. You don't sell to owe more... and I feel so stuck.  Sinking really. I am sinking in a big hole... and buried alive. 

anyhow...I guess I needed to vent. I don't want to blog to only vent. I have been blessed and there are so many wonderful blessings happening in my life. Just don't want to stress Todd out more than he is already and my friends don't need to hear this. Like what could they do anyhow.      

I want to go back to bed. My eyes are heavy.. but I think my Mom will wake up soon and I really want to spend every waking moment with her while I have her. I love her so!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

My Mom is here :)

My mom is here and for some reason she makes everything better. Like one BIG PARTY! I am going to be ok because she is here! So happy to have her. The kids are too..... I have missed her. She looks great. She quit smoking again. So proud of her!
We are all working up these last few days ... lots to do but with her will be a party!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A quiet moment

 Its quiet.... you want to know why.... its 3 am.  I have been wanting to write for a while but every time I sat down, someone would need me or need to talk to me and would disturb my thought... so here I am... I woke up.... remembered I had to throw the clothes in the dryer if my children were going to have something to wear today and then I couldn't go back to sleep. So I thought this is a perfect opportunity to write.

Where to start.................. my life is crazy busy and crazy full. I am thankful for it. Right now we have currently Virginia and Zoey living here... till the end the of the month when her Hubby will bring all their stuff from Washington and move them to Rexburg....  We have Kalene living here and her soon to be husband till bedtime every night... so he comes over first thing in the morning and is here eating and staying with us till its time to depart for bed... then he goes back to his parents house, all until this Sat when they are married. Then his room will be upstairs with Kalene.... I have all my other 6 children here.... and today my Mother comes. that is a grand total of 13 people I am housing and feeding.  It's been a challenge for the feeding part. I am not complaining just stating a fact. Making big meals that everyone loves, which none have complained, but its not my best area of talent so a challenge for me. But somehow... we are doing it on 300 every two weeks. We use to eat 500 every two weeks but money has been tight... and bills have all gone up including our mortgage... and so ... in order to pay everything we have to take from somewhere... so its the food budget.  I don't know how we are making it truly other than we are dipping into my food storage *which its there for that* and depleting it fast.  I have never seen my cubbards so bare... that might be why its also a challenge for me for meal time... because I have less to work with for dinner. Less to choose from on what to make. Oh but the Lord is so good to us. None of us go to bed hungry. We are all full and this month we have had so many birthdays already and somehow I have been able to make it special for each person. So thankful for that.

Jesse turned 8 years old yesterday. I can't believe it.  Every day he is still healing and growing and learning. He is wanting more responsibility and wants to do what his older brother does.... I am so proud of him. Of all the obstacles he has over come and is still overcoming. I love him so much.  His sisters...they are doing well too. Bella we still have emotional issues with..she is just a tender heart who needs more love than most and Ellie she is almost the opposite of Bella... She is a tough cookie and I worry because she is almost non emotional. But I am constantly praying for ways to help them and loving them the best I can and I hope in time they all heal.  I worry like I did with my first five... "AM I MESSING THEM UP "  and knowing the history of these littles... I worry a little more maybe about that.... am I enough.... But the answer is....  I have to be!

This kind farmer that Todd knows at work ... he and his wife can't have children and they have blessed us so much. They brought us a case of home made applesauce. It is the best I have ever tasted!   two months ago they brought us a huge box of apples.... they were so good..... They are constantly helping us... always when I am asking the Lord what will we do... They give us eggs from time to time... and honey too.  I am so indebted to them.  They are very kind and loving people and I pray they are blessed for all that they do. Someone else this week dropped off salad at our door. NO NOTE! I pray those people are blessed. Someone else dropped off clothes for the children.... just in time because my Jesse goes through so many shirts with his nervousness that he chews holes in them... and I can't afford to keep up. There was several shirts in this bag for Jesse and a pair of Jeans.... Several shirts and jacket for my Ellie and Bella and even clothes for Zoey. I am so thankful for all those who have us in mind. I can't ever repay them. It is always an answer to my prayers. People whoa re living are angels on earth when they do such kind acts of kindness and their thinking of us ... my family, touches me so very deeply.

I am so going to hate myself later for being up writing instead of sleeping. Some days I get up with Todd and I am in bed with the little children at 8...just wiped.  Its crazy how much trying to keep up and all that I do takes it out of me. 

MY MOTHER QUIT SMOKING! I am super excited... I pray this time it sticks. :) So happy!

My second daughter is getting married! THIS SAT! Crazy!~ I hope her day is special. We have done so much by hand to make it beautiful. I have been blessed with many helpers to decorate and to help serve the cookies and hot chocolate.  Her theme is snowflake. I hope that we can make it beautiful.  Super excited!   Crazy.... when your children get married you do sorta loose them. They become different. Its hard and good all at the same time. Its hard because I feel I can't connect in the same way I did before. There is a worry...for me anyhow that I will say or do something to loose them. Probably because of all that has happened between my first daughter and her husband and us.  But I have learned so much since then and I am trying so hard to be a better person and mother and in law and everything.  Truly I am!  But still....  its not the same. Which saddens me. Its no longer MOMMY  I NEED YOU... and my opinion doesn't rank as high.... there is a husband and I know its suppose to be this way.... just hard. I see it already in Kalene with her Kyle... She already values his thoughts and opinions and doesn't need mine.  Has some of her own. And its good. I have raised her.... she is amazing and will do great...I have prepared her for this time in her life to spread her own wings and fly just ... so hard as Mother to let go....  So many feelings inside... so many. from happy to sad...  the circle of life... my stage ..... its all so interesting.

Well I guess I have written enough to get back to bed for at least the 2 hours I have left.... scratch that.. one lol I will most likely just fall back to sleep and the alarm will go off... and my day will begin again.  So much to do today just to prepare for my mothers arrival.  I am tired... its been a long month already...e very day with much to accomplish. I am thankful I have been given the strength and patience and endurance to do all I have so far. But I am so looking forward to not having something to do next month. We are busy until after the 8th of next month. Crazy busy.... birthdays... and company.... and baptism coming up...

with all that is going on... I am just thankful... so thankful to my Heavenly Father for he has just blessed us over and over. When I thought I don't know how we will make it. Something has happened to helped.  My husband makes a great amount of money.... for people who had 2 children they would live               very very well! But our 8 and with them still living under our roof from time to time... till they can get jobs and on their feet... its a struggle.  But one I will continue doing for forever because this is what life is all about! FAMILY! I would rather be broke and have all my children with me and near me than rich and lonely! I am so blessed!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year! Its a new year... lots going on. Today was Todd's 46th birthday ;) And I made him a bunny ice cream pie with grahm cracker crust and peanut butter whip cream with drizzled chocolate ;) It was yummy.  I made him Chicken Paremsain for dinner. He was taken out by his Dad today and that was great :) He needed away ... and time with his Dad... His Dad stayed... a long time... I was surprised... he usually is in and out.... but I am thankful he stayed and chatted with Todd. :) Its good!

Aylin is still here till Saturday. She has had fun.... Christmas and New Years both :) Its been nice having her. She is getting so big....

I am really sad to loose so many of my young men in my class they are super amazing young guys who I believe are going to do so much in the future :) I made them a special plack and a note.... telling them how much I appreciate them and will miss them. I have to deliver them tomorrow.

I am doing great on WW.... surprisingly  because I am sorta stressed. I have lost a pound a day and I am eating? CRAZY! But I am eating right :) I hope it continues :)

We are getting things done and made for the wedding. Its looking good all that we are doing. I think it will be beautiful! :)

 Kalene and Kyle are looking for jobs and nothing yet. I worry... its a bad time to find a job... if you find one your lucky. I pray they can.

Virginia and Zoey come next week! I am super excited to have them here :)
I have all these plans for this new year.... exercise and diet well.... .make Christmas early this year ;) 

I still have not got Ellie to learn her ABC's... or write her name fully yet. I pray she can catch on before school starts...I fear she will be held back a year in kindergarden like Bella and Jesse and with Bella and Jesse,  I feel like it was ok, they have been thru so much and I hadn't had the time with them. With Ellie I have tried... daily... I don't know why she isn't catching on. I think she is super ADHD.  Not sure if I should start now on meds or looking into it.

Its been really cold. I am so thankful for our pellet stove. It makes the house nice and toasty and I would never be able to afford to heat it like this other wise :)

That is all for now...just stopping for a moment to type...