the outcasts

  Ever felt not wanted? Like the out cast? That is my husband and I in his family. We are the out casts. We have no clue as to why anything we say is always taken wrong.... and how the family can say things in "JOKING" manner and its ok to say them....when in reality it hurts us.... and is truly RUDE!

I caught on to all the things my husbands family said and did while we came to give his sister a blessing. ONE SHE WANTED... and today my husband finally caught on to. It hurt him... deeply.... I am tired of being treated so poorly by FAMILY and then called upon when something needs to be done. Its like being a door mat... and I am done with it.

I am really considering NOT going for thanksgiving. I don't care anymore what any of them think.  I am done .... and we don't deserve to be talked down to, talked about or treated in such a manner! 
And we moved here....   to be close to them. SO FUNNY! NOT!

Cancer

    The big word no one wants to hear... CANCER.... It took my father way too young... it took my Grandfather way too young.... and now its going to take my sister in law way too young. She is 42 years old.... diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer... STAGE 4  its in her bones, there is a tumor in her lung and she has lasserations on her liver. They put a port in her on Monday and they start Chemo on the 7th.  She will have lost all her hair by the end of November.  She has 3 children. One is 19, one is 16 and one is 13.  We lost her mother to cancer not even 3 years ago.... and it was the quickest cancer I have ever witnessed. She had colon cancer which went to her liver.  
     I am not ready for this. WHO IS! I am not ready to see my husband loose another loved one.... I am not ready to see my nieces and nephew suffer the pain of not having a mother around and loosing a mother at a young age.....

This hits home so deeply.... I can't put into words the emotions I feel from my past deaths and losses.... it brings up so much pain for me.... I am scared ..; IS MY HUSBAND OK? No he has never smoked but what if this is genetic?   A thousand thoughts run thru my head.... I am a mess.  The what ifs.... the how long will she suffer?   Will this go into remission? Will she live for a couple more years? Online it says only 10% survival rate .... that is low.... 

This sure makes me want to stop all the unhealthy things I am doing and start eating things that are healthy whether or not I like them or not. It  makes me freak out..... because  I don't want this to happen to me or my husband. We have 8 kids 6 to still raise... I can't do life and kids without him.... I feel like I need to rearrange my whole life and get it finally right.... now before we get this diagnoses  I am sad.... this is so sad... this is happening again. I hate cancer! I wish it didn't exist.  I am not ready and I am pretty sure she isn't ready either.

Life as a mute...

I have lost my voice. COMPLETELY! I can barely whisper... I don't know if I just did too much or what..... I am feeling better today... sore but better...still no sound coming from my mouth. I wonder is there a reason? I tell my kids there is a reason for everything. Could God be teaching me to be still? To not say mean things? bad words? Or talk too harshly or loudly towards the ones I love? I just wonder......

Its been fun trying to communicate with my children. They have had fun trying to figure me out. I call it "MOM's SIGN LANGUAGE"   lol 

The little children have listened way better than ever... I am not yelling :) The house IS quieter :)  I guess I produce a lot of sound LOL

Its interesting as I ran some errands today the many people who would make small talk and I couldn't do anything but smile and nod back. I wonder if they thought I was rude... not understanding my situation.....

Anyhow.... I hope to get my voice back soon. I do miss it so much! I love to sing and talking is just a big part of what I like to do... and I like to call my grandbaby and talk to her on the phone.  So its really important I get it back :) SOON!

But trying to stay positive as to why and how it can be a blessing :) I am evaluating things :)

One Day at a time

Change is hard... getting use to people living with you..... is change.... getting use to them not living with you is change....
I don't do change well.... anyone who knows me knows this.
I have struggled with letting my kids grow up.... every changing moment along the way.... Letting go is change and its hard.

All I can do is talk myself thru it all one day at a time. I really struggle with change... .

I am missing my Daughter... and her baby girl... so much. I hate that I can't just say COME HOME... I want to... I have asked my husband... almost begging but he says no.... and that if it were to happen they would have to ask us.....

I am trying to send boxes to help her smile.... I know she is struggling..... I know its not easy and its hard... I think she is depressed. I think she has been depressed since having the baby but I can't say that now... I am concerned....

I keep praying... giving what I can to God... asking for my Angels to watch over her and to help her know she isn't alone.. I beg God to help my son in law get a job... still no word yet. I am just waiting to hear that they got a job.... I am holding my breath anticipating and hoping.... praying.... and hoping......

Some days I have to stay so busy.... find things to do or I will go crazy sitting here thinking about things I want to talk to her about or not knowing what she is doing if she is ok....

I hate seeing her car and her stuff here.... because... she isn't here... and its hard... it just reminds me of how stupid everything got and that they chose to leave... and it could of been fine.... ugh! almost making me mad.... but I don't want that in my heart so I fight those feelings and thoughts.

I am trying.... to take it one day at a time...but sometimes its hard....  We still aren't where we were before...we can't talk so freely like we once use to and I wonder... will we ever be able to again?  

Being a parent... is hard.... so hard.... in these areas.... and during these moments I dare say IT SUCKS! 

just another vent, release of my anxiety or pent up frustrations.... taking it one day ... one moment, one minute, one second at a time......