Sunday, December 29, 2013

A recap

This year has gone by so fast.... I think last year this time I was saying,... before you know it will be Christmas again.  This new year I have plans.... I am going to be making a Christmas gift every month. I will not be caught up in the last minute like I am every year stressing and worrying. I want it done before it gets here and it will give me something great and fun to do. I plan on starting with Sock Monkeys in February.  By then my life will have slowed down enough to breathe again.  I am enjoying the last few days before real crazy starts.... Trying to take things one day at a time and enjoying the moments of preparing Kalene for her big day. It is so crazy.... so exciting to think she starts her new life. Although she will be starting it under my roof but only for a short time till they go back to school and their housing opens up again. I am thankful I have a room and enough to help them during this time. To help all of my children if and when they need me. :) Its a huge blessing.

I am doing ok on WW.  Todd is my sabatoger though. I don't know why but together we crave the most unhealthiest and yummiest things.  I was doing great yesterday and we took the kids to see the movie Frozen.... and on the way home he asks... "WHAT WILL WE DO FOR DINNER?" I had planned a meal but I guess he was craving PIZZA! So yep...I ate it.... but to my surprise I didn't gain a thing and I had actually lost :) SO kinda happy. 

Frozen was adorable. At the end of the movie they sang a song, "LET IT GO" and Ellie went on and on about it... singing it that is... then she had to go to the bathroom. You have to picture this.... a little girl.. .singing her heart out...these words over and over... LET IT GO and on the toilet.... and she is peeing... still singing very loudly  LET IT GO.    IT WAS FUNNY! She sang it all the way home and we got sick of it really quick..... but it was funny. She LOVED IT!
I think I will be buying it.

Aylin is visiting. Its been a good visit so far. She stayed with us till Christmas afternoon then Jociel took her. And we get her back any moment ... we will have her till Saturday and then she goes home.  this week I hope to take it easy..... let the kids just play.  My littles are sick. Coughing, sore throat ... and so I need them to get better before my Mother comes... before my Grandbaby comes.     I hope Aylin doesn't get it but she had a cough when she was here last week.

Anyhow.... Soon it will be a New Year.... crazy 2014... crazy!  My mortgage went up a little.... joy!  I so want to move.... into a smaller place with land...but I guess for now its where we need to be so all my children can and will come back when they need a place to live. 

Todd is having a birthday on the 1st, then Kyle on the 2nd.... the 4th Aylin goes home..... then the 8th is Kalene's birthday.... the 9th Virginia and Zoey come...the 11th Kalene gets her intial stuff done at the temple to prepare for the wedding. The 13th is Jesse's birthday the 14th my mother comes, the 16th is Kalene's bridal shower ... the 17th we set up the wedding reception... the 18th.... is the wedding and the ring exchange and we tear down and clean up after. ... then I get to relax...enjoy my mom.... my grandbaby.... and then Bella's birthday is the 29th...but mom goes home the day before so we might celebrate early. Jesse gets baptized sometime in Feb...and my ZOEY turns 1 :) CRAZY! Just the first month of the new year and WHAM! :) BUSY! :) I don't know what I will make everyone for cakes..... and I have no moola for gifts...I have I O U's.....  but yeah.....

I ordered Kalene a glass temple like I did for Virginia.  I hope it comes in time.....  We had one but thru the years it broke.... I want another one...maybe this wedding anniversary we can get one.  

I have goals for myself.... getting more spiritual...reading more good books at night with my husband before bed...... reading my scriptures more in depth and praying  more.... we do the family ones but I still struggle with personal ones on my knees because I feel I am constantly talking to the Lord. A constant prayer in my heart.... but I know its important to do the personal one....  I want to exercise and eat well. I hope and pray I loose a little before the wedding. A LOT would be cool but I will take what I get....  Its a new year...with endless possibilities...and I am excited!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

I started WW

So today.... I did it... I started WW. I asked Todd and he said if that is what I want to do. I have been struggling to feed us healthy meals. I have tried to and did some good and some bad.... A friend of mine lost all her weight using WW. So its past time... and I started today. I will actually go shopping tomorrow on pay day and start.... today I am learning.... there is so much info there.... all sorts of trackers.... and wow...its a lot...a little overwhelming even. But I am going to do it. I have to. I am going to get up early and start my day with exercise... so if I can't go to the y there is no excuse. I have to do this. Todd is going to try to do it with me too.
We have too many people depending on us. After the wedding I plan on going in for a physical for some things that I am concerned about as well.... I just need to get pro-active.

So I feel really good about this. :)  just wanted to share what I did :) Excited....

Saturday, December 21, 2013

The Dream I just woke up from...

 Oh my gosh... I am freaking out... just a little..... I believe my dreams.... certain ones... I just know which are dreams and which seem to or feel to come from God to me... this one has that indication that it is from God.

Lately I have felt "OLD" and "UNABLE" as a parent. My son Jesse has been unregulated... hard..... he is uncontrollable, making bad choices left and right, trying to create Chaos everywhere he goes * I read children who come from places my son has, create chaos to feel safe and in control*  It has been exhausting and hard to not loose it. To have patience..... I have looked at one of my friends and probably too many times out of my frustration have said... " HE IS GOING TO KILL ME"  I know not the best words to choose. I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated at times that I am totally lost for words. the other words I have over used this week are "DONE" I AM DONE!!!!!! over and over. MY POOR FRIEND!~ I am sorry .... I am sure  I have killed her because she is this very sweet person and amazingly patient mother. 

Anyhow..... I woke up with tears streaming from my face..... from a dream...its started like this...... I was with President LEWIS and his family... we were at some church thing..... in some new building I have not been in.  We were looking for food for our kids to eat.... and I had a baby.... NOT BORN FROM ME... I KNEW I HAD ADOPTED HIM.  Pauls son Collin asked me which baby food jar did I want to feed the baby... all were not really full.....  I said, "I better go find a different one."  then Collin asked " Do you want me to keep these jars?" I responded "Oh no, I don't keep them, but thanks"  Then Paul said he would watch the baby for me with his son while I go look ....  I I leave it was like a joke .... Paul says.... " See you in a minute maybe with another one" *MEANING A CHILD* I yell jokingly " OH NO I AM DONE! DONE! DONE! DONE!" I head towards a direction... lots of chairs everywhere... and this woman.... I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS, but in my dream I DID... her eyes were heavily made up, she was beautiful with long hair but that is all I remember of her. Anyhow... she stops me and I ask her how she is.... and she says, " I HEARD YOU WERE IN THE MARKET FOR ANOTHER BABY and that YOU GOT HIM" I respond, " OH NO, we were NOT in the market for one, this one just happened. " She told me there was gossip that I had been looking for one... and I settled that quick by saying, " I know, I heard the rumors but I assure you we were NOT looking."  Then she said, " We were thinking of adopting but with the times getting worse and the end upon us... we just felt it might be best to NOT adopt. " 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPIRIT FILLED ME! I MEAN FILLED ME! ... I WAS LITTERALLY CRYING IN MY DREAM AND I WOKE UP FROM CRYING AS I SPOKE TO HER WITH POWER! A power I can't explain only that it was a conviction in my heart and whole being.... I said, " I know that the times are getting harder and it is scary to raise a family, but Heavenly Father needs these children to come and to have families, families that are sealed to them. So that they can be FOREVER and if we all die, at least we have that promise that these children will be raised by us, their eternal families.." We were both crying and I WOKE UP!

I am not sure what this means......  I don't know if it means that there is another child that will be presented to us *which I will be honest...HELLO I AM OLD and it scares me, but I know me.... I would never turn a child away and I would do it if I felt the Lord had a hand in it*  or if this means I need to think more eternally with the ones I have especially on the hard days and realize how amazingly blessed we are to have each other sealed as a forever family.  Either way the spirit was still strong with me as I cried and shared this dream with my husband.     

I know this... the baby it was not brand new.... and he must be of age to eat baby food from a jar.

*NEW UPDATE* 12 29 2013* I think this dream has meaning for me... not that we will have another baby but... that I am to share my testimony to those who don't or can't have children. I think I am suppose to help them consider adoption. As in my dream... there are children who need families to love them. Can you imagine never having a family or family name? Can you imagine just living with someone till you graduate and then what? Where would you go for the holidays? Who would you celebrate with? NO one claiming you in this life or the next? Its a sad thought. I think God has me on errand.... and I will do it :)

Monday, December 9, 2013

a dream

I dreampt an interesting not like me kind of dream last night..... 
I dreampt we were living with a group of people out in the woods.... we were living off the land and had a cabin we all shared.... then some misle came and blew up our cabin and we scattered into the woods for safety. We didn't feel safe in rebuilding the cabin so we decided to dig into the ground in the woods and make a home under ground.... with wood sticks and a roof that was strong but camoflauged... .and these underground living spaces were only big enough for sleep in.... other wise we were up and working outside in the garden and everywhere. It was a very interesting dream. It made me feel like it was in the future.... crazy.. I know but still wanted to record it.

Sunday, December 1, 2013


Thanksgiving was well.... we had 3 different meals... One with my oldest, one with my second oldest and one with my husbands family on 3 different days..... The little children did fairly well for an overwhelming environment of people they didn't really know and crazy loudness in a small home.  Until we got home...from that point on ... we have seen behaviors that I can only express as exhausting. I am lost as to how to help or change any of it at this point and almost too tired to continue to try.
Tomorrow is school... makes me nervous... will they act out in school? BE OK? the what if's.... I know the sound of the phone ringing will bring me anxiety....

This time of year is especially hard on our littles.... its when they were taken from their last foster home and brought to us, without any Christmas Gifts that they just had been given. So much of their world turned upside down.... and they saw and experienced things no child should have to.   So they are not sleeping well... they are anxious... nervous.... antsy.....  full of anger, frustration and they have no clue as to why they are....

Yet my husband and I have been feeling depressed.... I am not sure if its the seasonal blues... or the knowledge of my sister in law has stage 4 cancer and with one round of Cheimo she lost all her hair.... strong stuff! So all the men this holiday season shaved their heads.... Doing that brought out a lot of emotions for me... Thinking of my sister in law... the hardship of loosing her hair.... and the what if's.... how long does she have thoughts... so on... and how sweet it was of a sacrifice for my husband and son to go bald for her!~   Emotional... yes!

So much is going on these next two months.... SO MUCH! I feel stressed and overwhelmed.... and so much that I just want to sit and NOT DO ANYTHING! not good... that won't help me get things done!

Trying to find a small amount of motivation. I told my husband we need to go swimming every night as a family to help with our stress and health. He agreed.  Lets see if it really happens.

 FOR SOME REASON BLOGGER WON'T ALLOW ME TO UPLOAD PICTURES !! UGH! oh well...its still a great place to let it all out !:)
This is my husband and son...they shaved their hair for his sister who has stage 4 cancer
 This is one of our Thanksgiving Dinners. It won't allow me to upload the other one with my other daughter ERRRR
This is my grandbaby :) She is precious and just came for a visit
This is my daughter about to get married and the dress my mom made for wedding reception :)
This is my Zoey .... :) MY GRANDBABY who learned to crawl up the stairs while here.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Another Blessing.....

So my Daughter, her husband and her baby :) *MY NAMESAKE* came home for a visit.... a much needed visit... words were not exchanged and we really didn't even discuss what had happened.....  It took a week for everyone to feel "MORE COMFY" with one another in my opinion.... but by the time they left... things were better. MUCH BETTER! Not where they were but that is ok...time may or may not fix that.... it is what it is.. I feel like I can be ok now... Like I can smile... have no heavy guilt on my shoulders.... its all going to be ok. It was wonderful to see and hold my grandbaby girl! She is just beautiful! So fun! MY JOY! :) *ONE OF * and I have missed her. We all gave her so much time, love and attention. They left today.... Which was hard.... it was really hard.... but now I have to accept when my kids grow up they are suppose to leave home... start their own life... I just pray one day we will all live close by :) I want to be very much apart of each of my children's lives and grandbabies. for some reason the blogger is not allowing me to down load pictures right now I will try again later....
Tonight my other daughter comes home and with her fiancĂ©. While they are here we will be busy preparing for her wedding, making invites and so on.... this is going to be a crazy week..... my emotions are all over the place. I am very tired.  Our whole family caught the flu this last weekend and I think I am still recovering from that.... I feel energy less...... 

I am thankful for this last visit... for my other kids coming home... for our roof over our head.... for our health, children and animals... for my husbands job... for all that we are blessed with which is much.  For the many people who help us raise our children and help us make it when we are concerned.  I am just counting my blessings!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Working on me...

 The Lord is funny, he gets me.  I am thankful for that.  He knows I like to be needed but knows I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore..... so he has sent me a new friend in my life. She is fun and creative and we have so much in common it is really weird.  From giving birth to now.... we have kids all about the same age up to my Cally and so that makes it so nice if we want to get together we have kids that could play together.

She seems to be a real friend... which is a blessing. She wants to help me as much as I want to help her. She offered to take my son Jesse to the roller drome and I was so scared.... she insisted and I said ok. Which for me is huge... My son is really hard. ADHD and many other issues... She took him without me because I had to go help Tay audition for a musical she wanted to be in.  Jaden did go with my friend and Jesse so that is good.  After I was done with Tay I ran to the roller drome... where I found her helping Jesse to skate and being with him. She has children who are younger than Jesse and I was so surprised to see her keeping her word, that she wouldn't leave him and she didn't  till I got there. I am thankful for her friendship. Her positiveness is so refreshing...

I have needed a friend who can help me see the world in a positive light for a while.... I am usually an upbeat and positive thinking person too so its like I have been recharged.  For the longest time I have felt the Holy Ghost tell me to say hi to her or to try to be her friend but I let my fear and insecurities take over and I didn't. She too had felt like she was to talk to me.... and one day she did.... which started it all.  She emailed me and said that she knew it sounded funny but she felt strongly prompted that we should be friends..... I replied with I had felt that too and since then we have talked every day ... several times a day and hung out just as much.  We found out that we both have the same struggles and so we are now helping each other in those areas, reminding each other to read our scriptures, pray and work out together.  She is currently helping me with a quiet book that I am making for my grandbaby. And she invited me to a group of women who are doing crafts for Christmas gifts... STRAIGHT UP MY ALLEY :) And we are making our gifts for everyone this year. What a load off my back of stress.... money is not there!

Anyhow.... I am happy... she has helped me a lot by just being a real friend, not wanting so much and actually being willing to help me as much as I try to help my friends. She came over on my birthday and gave me a really pretty necklace and earing set... they were purple with a purple bag and frozen hot chocolate. She went out of her way to ask my kids what my favorite color was.... I am truly grateful for her... and her friendship and she is just as active in church as I am and its so nice to have someone who tries as hard as I do to keep the family in tune to the spirit and doing all the things that are right.  I swear she could be my twin.   I am just thankful that she came into my life.... my dearest friend moved away..... and I have missed her so much... .my other friend that lives here is just too busy with her own life to be apart of mine as much as I have tried.... and this new friend..... is what I have been needing... someone who can hang with me and crazy trauma babies.... someone who has a huge family too and gets the work involved and the financial part of it all... someone who has so much in common with me... we connect on so many levels. I have been so lonely.... and now I feel so happy.  She knows how important my children are to me and she strives in many ways the way I do.  Anyhow.... things are turning up for me.... My daughter that moved away is talking to me more and hearing she misses me helps me so much... cause I miss her beyond words.... and my other daughter in college calls me daily :) We are connecting in ways I have only dreamed of :) All my other children seem to be in a good place at this moment... I have no complaints. I am just thankful for many of my blessings......  I am excercising and trying to eat well again.... its all GOOD! :)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

the outcasts

  Ever felt not wanted? Like the out cast? That is my husband and I in his family. We are the out casts. We have no clue as to why anything we say is always taken wrong.... and how the family can say things in "JOKING" manner and its ok to say them....when in reality it hurts us.... and is truly RUDE!

I caught on to all the things my husbands family said and did while we came to give his sister a blessing. ONE SHE WANTED... and today my husband finally caught on to. It hurt him... deeply.... I am tired of being treated so poorly by FAMILY and then called upon when something needs to be done. Its like being a door mat... and I am done with it.

I am really considering NOT going for thanksgiving. I don't care anymore what any of them think.  I am done .... and we don't deserve to be talked down to, talked about or treated in such a manner! 
And we moved here....   to be close to them. SO FUNNY! NOT!

Saturday, October 26, 2013


    The big word no one wants to hear... CANCER.... It took my father way too young... it took my Grandfather way too young.... and now its going to take my sister in law way too young. She is 42 years old.... diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer... STAGE 4  its in her bones, there is a tumor in her lung and she has lasserations on her liver. They put a port in her on Monday and they start Chemo on the 7th.  She will have lost all her hair by the end of November.  She has 3 children. One is 19, one is 16 and one is 13.  We lost her mother to cancer not even 3 years ago.... and it was the quickest cancer I have ever witnessed. She had colon cancer which went to her liver.  
     I am not ready for this. WHO IS! I am not ready to see my husband loose another loved one.... I am not ready to see my nieces and nephew suffer the pain of not having a mother around and loosing a mother at a young age.....

This hits home so deeply.... I can't put into words the emotions I feel from my past deaths and losses.... it brings up so much pain for me.... I am scared ..; IS MY HUSBAND OK? No he has never smoked but what if this is genetic?   A thousand thoughts run thru my head.... I am a mess.  The what ifs.... the how long will she suffer?   Will this go into remission? Will she live for a couple more years? Online it says only 10% survival rate .... that is low.... 

This sure makes me want to stop all the unhealthy things I am doing and start eating things that are healthy whether or not I like them or not. It  makes me freak out..... because  I don't want this to happen to me or my husband. We have 8 kids 6 to still raise... I can't do life and kids without him.... I feel like I need to rearrange my whole life and get it finally right.... now before we get this diagnoses  I am sad.... this is so sad... this is happening again. I hate cancer! I wish it didn't exist.  I am not ready and I am pretty sure she isn't ready either.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Life as a mute...

I have lost my voice. COMPLETELY! I can barely whisper... I don't know if I just did too much or what..... I am feeling better today... sore but better...still no sound coming from my mouth. I wonder is there a reason? I tell my kids there is a reason for everything. Could God be teaching me to be still? To not say mean things? bad words? Or talk too harshly or loudly towards the ones I love? I just wonder......

Its been fun trying to communicate with my children. They have had fun trying to figure me out. I call it "MOM's SIGN LANGUAGE"   lol 

The little children have listened way better than ever... I am not yelling :) The house IS quieter :)  I guess I produce a lot of sound LOL

Its interesting as I ran some errands today the many people who would make small talk and I couldn't do anything but smile and nod back. I wonder if they thought I was rude... not understanding my situation.....

Anyhow.... I hope to get my voice back soon. I do miss it so much! I love to sing and talking is just a big part of what I like to do... and I like to call my grandbaby and talk to her on the phone.  So its really important I get it back :) SOON!

But trying to stay positive as to why and how it can be a blessing :) I am evaluating things :)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

One Day at a time

Change is hard... getting use to people living with you..... is change.... getting use to them not living with you is change....
I don't do change well.... anyone who knows me knows this.
I have struggled with letting my kids grow up.... every changing moment along the way.... Letting go is change and its hard.

All I can do is talk myself thru it all one day at a time. I really struggle with change... .

I am missing my Daughter... and her baby girl... so much. I hate that I can't just say COME HOME... I want to... I have asked my husband... almost begging but he says no.... and that if it were to happen they would have to ask us.....

I am trying to send boxes to help her smile.... I know she is struggling..... I know its not easy and its hard... I think she is depressed. I think she has been depressed since having the baby but I can't say that now... I am concerned....

I keep praying... giving what I can to God... asking for my Angels to watch over her and to help her know she isn't alone.. I beg God to help my son in law get a job... still no word yet. I am just waiting to hear that they got a job.... I am holding my breath anticipating and hoping.... praying.... and hoping......

Some days I have to stay so busy.... find things to do or I will go crazy sitting here thinking about things I want to talk to her about or not knowing what she is doing if she is ok....

I hate seeing her car and her stuff here.... because... she isn't here... and its hard... it just reminds me of how stupid everything got and that they chose to leave... and it could of been fine.... ugh! almost making me mad.... but I don't want that in my heart so I fight those feelings and thoughts.

I am trying.... to take it one day at a time...but sometimes its hard....  We still aren't where we were before...we can't talk so freely like we once use to and I wonder... will we ever be able to again?  

Being a parent... is hard.... so hard.... in these areas.... and during these moments I dare say IT SUCKS! 

just another vent, release of my anxiety or pent up frustrations.... taking it one day ... one moment, one minute, one second at a time......

Monday, September 30, 2013

A dream....

So I had a dream. VERY VIVID! Crazy..... just gonna say whatever at this point...... I dreampt I went to health and welfare....there was this 18month  old.... baby... little girl. ADORABLE..>TINY Blonde.... and her MIDDLE NAME WAS SHADE?!  Which is my Maiden name...And her mothers name was CORINA..... and she was in jail.... and I felt very much attatched to this little girl.... brought Todd to her and the H&W said she isn't ready yet to leave but will be soon.... and you can take her home if you like... and I was asking Todd what he thought and I was reminded..... to tell my dream... YOU DID SAY THERE WAS ONE MORE IN THE TEMPLE........ then WOKE UP! Yeah... not even sure what to think or how to go about it..... I had just gotten done saying in church yesterday how empty our pew is.... and Todd said does that mean we are going to do foster care again? I said... NO WE ARE DONE......hmmmmm not even sure what to think about it all...this is exactly how the first three started.... well not exactly. I knew we were going to adopt and friend who had just died came to me in a dream with a baby.... and it was Ellie and I knew it was time to start our adoption process......  but I really feel done..... tired... exhausted.... like I am ready to just be GRANDMA....and enjoy grandbabies..... I don't know. IF God really feels like there is one more that is coming to us...I WILL DO WHATEVER HE WANTS.  I will.... and I could never turn a child away but I think at this point they would have to find me. I am not up to go looking....

Friday, September 27, 2013

How am I doing? HA

 How are you? someone asks..... I think for a moment... do they want the real scoop? NO ! They don't.... no one ever does with this question... they just want to walk by and be polite... they don't want to hear your life trials or upsets... or even joys.... they just want a quick... I am good thanks and you?  so they can reply the same... good :)

 How am I?  well.... I am still struggling every day.... I am  depressed. I have evaluated this whole thing and I am... Every day... I have to force myself to move..... to take a shower.... to take the kids to school and to numbly sit and do nothing... till its time to pick up the kids.    I look around.... I miss my grandbaby sounds.... I miss the company of my older daughter.... and my second daughter who is off at college.  But my second daughter will come back. I haven't screwed that up.....

How am I? Well I tried talking to my oldest daughter... and she sounds good... I wonder... is she really? Does she not want me to know her life that much? Or is she truly happy? I hope its she is truly happy but it has to be hard... now living under another PARENTS roof, no place of her own. No woman wants that..... we woman like our own little home, own little kitchen... etc......
 I wonder..... how is she sleeping at night... is it good?  I fear its not.     I wonder... does she have enough money to get what she needs? What the baby needs? I worry she doesn't. 

I try to give this all to God. I pray daily... several times a day... I Cry.... I beg and plead. Please bless them with a job.... and way to get on their feet. I BEG!!!!!!!!!! I PLEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel.... exhausted.  I am not sleeping well.... I feel sick!  

I hear on the phone how my grandbaby is just loving her other Grandpa... and so cute with him.... and my heart sinks.... for me... selfishly ... for us...  I am happy she is good.... having relationships with them.... but inside... I am wishing it was still me.  

Sometimes I think ... can Christ just come..... PLEASE! Lets all just be happy and go on to heaven.... and be together there... with NO SATAN to bound us... and be eternal. I am ready... so so so ready for that day. My heart is still heavy.... I think the crying is less.... but I think I am numb now.... 

Time... give it time... I am told..... TIME MEANS MY GRANDBABY is growing up... forgetting me.... I am missing all those neat steps in her life... which I guess reality has to slap me in the face.... HELLO YOU DID THIS! ITS HER TURN! ITS NOT MEANT FOR YOU TO WATCH IT ALL AND BE THERE! GIVE IT UP! DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

I am the side lines now.... I am an observer now.... in their life... and only to what they want or allow me to observe. 

I just want to see them again. I feel then and only then I can feel better... Happy again... because I will know we are truly ok or not........

so I am going to try to get out of the house every morning starting Monday... Gonna force myself to go work out most the morning...then come home do school with my 4 year old and clean house till its time to pick up the kids... I am gonna just go day by day and hope in time my daughter will open up like we use to and talk to me.  Really share... really talk to me..... then and only then will I feel more ok and healed... and able to move forward truly smiling and when people ask ... HOW ARE YOU... only then will I be able to say GOOD without a little white lie...  only then..... till then I try... I do what I can... I cry... and sometimes I pray... and.... so yeah... .its me.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Motherhood is an adventure all in its own....
You get pregnant... You can't wait to hold this child... love this child .... then the child is born.... You can't wait to sleep again..... then they start to crawl and get into everything.... from crawling to walking to running getting into everything and you can't wait for them to stop getting into everything or putting everything in their mouths.... then you bring more children into the family... You can't wait for the children to stop bickering between themselves... and get along.... then school starts and you wonder where did the time go? Where are your BABIES? then summer comes and you think... HURRY UP SCHOOL... LETS GET THEM TO SCHOOL..... and you think you will enjoy the break... .then that break comes and you are clueless as to what to do with yourself because you were so use to the kids being home.... then middle school comes... and wow are they changing into young adults and maturing and hormones... *JOY* and you think..... where did my little child go? She/He are really growing up.... Then Highschool happens and dating.... OIY! You were totally not ready for all the drama that usually comes with highschool and dating and boys/girls... so on and so forth... then they graduate... and you think? WHAT? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Then they go off to college and you are left with a room filled with their stuff.... but they are not there...Its like they are dead but they aren't.... and the pain is very real.... and you wonder how you will stop texting them a thousand times or calling them so many times a day just to hear their voice and that they are ok...because... YOU STILL WORRY... then they come home and say... GUESS WHAT.....*DRUM ROLL PLEASE* I AM GETTING MARRIED.... and you get excited and think WOW! THIS IS GONNA BE SO WONDERFUL...and that day comes.... and SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE as you WATCH YOUR BABY GET MARRIED! And million thoughts come back into your mind about life and how fast it went by even when you thought at times it was taking forever... and how UNPREPARED YOU ARE TO REALLY LET GO! Its time for them to fly .... make their own life .... choose for themselves.... make mistakes *AS WE ALL DO * and its so hard to not say anything... to not step in and give your advice that you so lovingly want to do because you truly do love them and only want whats best for them...but then if you do... they will be upset that your controlling them or not allowing them to be grownups... *which yeah... its true if you want to look at it that way* and then.... you become GRANDPARENTS!!!!! Best thing EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and you can hold that baby and see your child in that baby... and its like you didn't loose anything after all... just gained more But at the same time.... you do miss... all those years... and you wonder how you will go on...without these special people in your life... DAILY IN YOUR LIFE.... like when they were yours... little and needing you... and your heart hurts... a little... and yet its filled with joy because its God's plan.... I don't know how I will do this 6 more times.... its so hard and the first two... sure have had to be the guinea pigs for our family. Being a Mother is an adventure. I asked my Mom how she did it... and at age 70 with tears rolling down her face...she replied..."ITS HARD BUT YOU DO IT" I hope I am just surrounded with a zillion grandbabies to keep me so busy... I won't miss everything else.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A visit to my Mom's

 I was blessed.... greatly.... a friend from far away.... felt inspired to send us some money. It was enough for me to go see my Mom for her birthday. HER 70th Birthday. She had no idea... and I totally surprised her. BEST MOMENT EVER!
She has been deeply depressed since all the women in her life had moved away.... and so her husband said that he had to go to the bathroom and so they stopped at the shuttle place where I drove in at.... I sat across from their car... waiting for her to look... but she didn't. So I got up and tapped on her window... She freaked out... was startled and then realized it was me... Almost couldn't open the door... she started to cry and just hold me and then looked at me and cried some more. Poor thing... she followed me into the back seat.... and just cried and asked how... all the way to her home.   It was so good for me to be there as much as she needed me... I needed her!
 We talked.... and talked... about all that was going on in my life with my children and things in her life..... I needed her.... her wisdom, concern and love.... She helped me see I am a good mother. That I have done all I can and where I might of made some mistakes.... that it was not on my shoulders ... for things had been kept and promises ... and so on.. NONE OF THIS WOULD OF HAPPENED!

We talked about how letting go is so hard... and how I always wanted my children close but reality is... it really may not happen and we are to let go..... let them live their life.   So while there I have tried to step back... and wait patiently for my daughter to come around. For her to call me... or text me. To not pry.... its the hardest thing I have ever done.... Patience is NOT MY VIRTUE! Boy am I learning a lot at the young age of 41... more than I realized I was in for.

I had my mom back to her old self... and gaining weight again before I left... Now on the phone I hear MY MOM :) The happy go lucky woman I have always known and loved. I have to make sure I see her more.... she can't travel anymore...but I can go to her!!!

I have the Best Mom in the world! I want to grow up to be JUST LIKE HER!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Life is happening...

 So I finally was able to reach my daughter..... we talked. It was so good to hear her voice. I miss her so much. She says they love where they are at.... in Washington.  It is green.... has hills... tree's. She loves it. She is being treated well by her in laws... I am thankful for that!  They are going thru some trials and financial issues but she is staying positive and will find a way.   There is nothing I can do to help. They are where they need to be. If this all happened here, and her husband got depressed, we would not of been able to have helped him. Only his Dad is the one who can help him in times like these and so that is where they are. It is good.  To hear my daughters voice was a blessing.  To know she is ok... and my grandbaby is doing well.. crawling. I miss my grandbaby.. her happy little spirit.  She is loving her other grandparents and uncles and aunt. That is good. Although her uncle's and Aunt's here all have share a similar heart ache in missing her as well. What a loved child she is :) So blessed like that.

I am better now that I have heard their plans. I am not living in what if's and what will happen? I know... she is staying...  I am going to pack up her room and we are going to try and fix their car so when they come for the stuff its all taken cared of for her.  We don't know how to help other wise. Money is not here..... and we still have to find a way to get wood pellets for winter.... Christmas and a wedding in January... lets not forget the zillion birthdays in between.

My other daughter left yesterday for college with her fiancĂ©  and they got stuck in Jerome.  The car over heated and broke down... that was a long day for them. They left at 9 am.... and didn't get to college till 8 something.   it is only a 4 to 5 hour trip.... His father came and got them. Took them to college. We hope that the car is fixable. Poor Kyle he put so much money and work into while they were on break.    But they are there safe and sound... exhausted but safe and sound. 

It is quiet in my home with only 8 left. Crazy but it really is... 5 more people made it louder.... busier.... crazier... and an extra dog...   now 5 and a dog left and it is weird... not just to me... Everyone is like... its too quiet.   We are all missing all my children that moved out. Its hard to let go... Its so very hard......

I do think in time our hearts will heal ... but I think the fight we had will make it a long process and that it will take a while to get back to where we once were but I have to have hope that we will find that place. 

I have not cried so much in my entire life.... my heart has not been so heavy before... not even over a death.... this has been so hard... so heavy... I am lighter but I am still hurting.... and I guess that too will take time to go away.... I am still heavy hearted and I think that too will take time to lift . I think that will take till we hug again in person and say I love you face to face

I have learned so much in all of this. I stress too much. I am not patient. I am not compassionate enough... I have to learn to hold my tongue... to conquer my thoughts when mean ones come in... to bridle my upset... and anger... to keep positive and to try to focus on that.  I have so much more growing and learning to do.... you would think 41 I would have this down....  but I don't.  So I am going to try and focus on bettering myself.... We might take anger management classes... we will do yoga and meditation.... I will read my scriptures more and pray more.... I will serve more..... I hope that my daughter and her husband will feel our love again... and see we are going to try and change for the better.... as part of our repentance in all of this. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

I can see clearly now....

    I think I can see clearly at least clearer.....      Bottom line..... the truth is.... Yes I played a big part in the thing that has been hurting me....  But... I also feel that there was wrong on all of us... we all played a part in this. It wasn't just me... or just my husband... it wasn't just them... it was all of us.   They had responsibilities that they were not holding up on.... they had things they said they would do and didn't.... 

My husband and I have learned a lot about ourselves.... we are going to be taking some classes I think to help us become better people. We want to learn from this mistake and grow from it. Change! I never want to see the person that came out a week ago....

I am trying daily to make changes.... small as they may be they are changes... I am trying to become better. Yes.... I made a mistake but I am human... I have to forgive myself. I have done *What I Feel* everything in my power to make sure I have corrected my wrongs.....  it is just going to take time.  Just time.... and patience...
I am going to be ok. I have to.... I have too many other people who care about me... who need me to be ok.... I can't just focus on this... I have too many other obligations in my life.
They will come around. They have to...I hope!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


life is one big roller coaster... you spend your whole childhood in a hurry to grow up. Can't wait to grow up and be adults.  Then you grow up and you have kids and feel like... oh my gosh.... why did I rush that? Then your kids grow up and your like... WHAT? YOUR AN ADULT? I Can't parent you? HUH! But... BUT.... let me help you... let me guide you.... don't do that... oh no... you did what? Why? HUH?   OH?? and you have to stand by and watch them make mistakes or maybe watch them do well.... you get to see both... and they don't want your help. They don't want your input... They are ADULTS now... and I think did my mother suffer ? Did she struggle to watch me screw up as an adult? Like how did she do this? Did she not care? I know she did..... I am just doing my best... trying to help.. and I screw that up.... and now.... my help isn't just not needed its not wanted to the point of  Don't even think about worrying about me or helping me cause I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!

We really knew this was gonna happen before we came to earth and we agreed to it? REALLY?   ...  I am struggling... I am trying to NOT worry. I am trying to NOT HELP.... but its hard... and it hurts to not be needed or wanted.... in the way you programmed yourself to be while raising kids.... you just don't raise kids for 20 years and then one day say.. OH WAIT YOU ARE DONE!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

To the depths of my soul...

  I am broken.... I am so upset with myself... I can't even express why....  but ... to the depths of my soul... I am.  I can't express it here... too personal and private.

I know that Jesus died for me... for all the stupid mistakes I have made and will make.... I know his atonement was for this moment in my life.... but I can not forgive myself... not yet.

The pain I am unable to let go of... its consuming me....  its so hard.... tears streaming down my face....   uncontrollable tears...     I am numb too.  I just am not reacting to things around me like I use to. I am slow to react and slow to feel. 

I have no way of making this better or right... not at this moment.. words... are just that words.... and the depth of this... is more than I can express.

I thought I could come on here and release some pain... and I can't.... just more tears.... more consumption.    This is when I think Why was I born?   Why did I have to be such a mess up?   Why can't I get it? Why ?????? and its endless with the WHYS!!!!!!!!

I am trying to be strong... trying to not be this way in=front of my children....  trying to help my husband too feel less of this broken... we are both suffering at the same time with.....       He has me worried... calling every other hour... crying on the phone....  there is no way to console him or comfort him. I try... but  I can't. ... and I don't think he can for me either.  

They say time heals everything. I don't know.... that is the part that hurts the most. I don't know if time will heal this.  I pray it does... I pray that it hurrys and heals this...but the unsure-ity of it... I just don't know.

praying for peace... for all of this to be ok.... praying for comfort.... for all of this to be fixed. Praying that we finally get it... and that we can grow and learn and be more...            life isn't easy.   This is isn't easy.          if all is lost then it wasn't worth it.  Not to me.       Its my reason for existing!

Friday, August 30, 2013

Bella's first time in trouble

I got a phone call yesterday... Bella is in Kindergarden.... and she had punched a boy in the eye for telling her that the salsa on her breakfast burrito was not hot..... she thought it was.... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. MY LITTLE SWEET GIRL PUNCHED A BOY????? I tell her father in text... his response which I think is every man's response... WELL NO ONE WILL MESS WITH HER HAA HAA... except.. I was not laughing... I felt like I was the one in trouble because the tone the Principle took with me.   Since adopting.... I have gotten to know this principle all too well.. MORE THAN ANY PARENT SHOULD EVER KNOW!!!!!! All due to my children acting up or misbehaving. I have never done this till now. All my other children never got in trouble.  

So here I am trying to look stuff up on the internet as to how handle this correctly.... to NOT cause trauma ....

I came across a ODD oppositional Defiant Disorder program for kids with ADHD, PTSD and many others....  its a reward system... Basically you take everything away from them.... things most kids naturally want to do and can be allowed to do because they are for the most part good kids.....

These kids don't know how to be good sometimes... they need help....  So you teach them they earn everything ... it is like a self motivator and helps to discipline their actions. Helps them think before they speak or act.

So I am trying to do something along these lines, not as strict. I will allow them to play in their room as long as they keep it up and clean. If they don't then I take that item and when they want it back it will be earned :) I am excited and hopeful this will help with many things... .I PRAY!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

5 months....

I have 5 months till my second daughter is married. CRAZY! It feels like they grew up so fast ... just yesterday they were little and in my arms. Now they are women.... who have fallen in love and now preparing to start their own lives. Ok one has already but its crazy how fast this happens.

My husband says we are living in full spectrum right now.... We have one left at home.... 2 in elementary school... one in middle school.... 2 in high school.... one in college and one graduated from college with a grandbaby! Our life will most likely never be like it is right now at this moment.... I want to savor it. :)

I am going to try to get healthy before the next wedding. I hope to be in a smaller size. I don't want to set limits or expectations because I self sabotage I just want to make excercising a habit for now and go from there.  I don't do well with change or pressure... so yeah

Took Jesse to urologist. They say they see two spots in his right side of his kidneys... of calcium. They are not right now... a stone but can and may become one. Just have to watch it. NO FUN! I just want him to be ok . We sure are trying to do all we can there.

Right now... we have 12 people living at home....its a lot of people, noise, food, and sometimes... I really enjoy what little quiet I get or look forward to that quiet time. I don't want to rush it though. I will never again have my grandbaby so close to me and available so I want to treasure that too.

We were going to move.... for many reasons... we might still but my two oldest asked us to not move till they graduate.  SO...... I don't know. I think we need to make a trip to the temple and pray  about it. I want to give them what they want but at the same time I FEEL the need to move and NEED for change.... on so many levels.

I just wanted to mark... 5 months till Kalene becomes a Gardner. CRAZY! :) and EXCITING! :) I couldn't of picked a better man for her :) I LOVE HIM!

Friday, August 23, 2013

Things are better...

So I got a text from a sweet friend last night who had read my blog.   I was thankful for her concern and thought I better catch things up on here.  SO things have calmed down. They got pretty heated for a couple days and we all vented and said our peace... then we calmed down and said sorry and worked it all out. I think now SHE knows we love her and are trying to help. Not attacking and not wanting to upset them.
Things seem more positive for them too.... they are figuring it all out and what they need to do .... have a plan and are going back to Rexburg in Oct. 
I think this was all meant to happen.  I think we have all learned something from this.  I think that we have worked thru the hard times and that we are all going to be ok.  I have been able to see it as blessings... I hope they have too.  We have gotten to know each other so much better. We have spent time with our grandbaby... who is growing so fast.  Even though money is tighter than its ever been before....  its been a blessing. A true blessing to say I have my family all under one roof.
I have learned patience in ways I didn't know I needed lol.  I have learned to truly give freely and love unconditionally in ways I didn't know I needed to. It was a good look at myself. I realized I was a little selfish ... I didn't think I was...but thru it all too, I have also been able to see a different side to my mother in law... who I have struggled with all my married life.  It has brought me to her grave, asking her for forgiveness for my ignorance and I think she is at peace with this since. I feel her now.... I feel her spirit.  Which I didn't before. I am sure I blocked her. It is nice to know that SHE AND I ARE OK NOW TOO! A lot of healing in that one area alone in my life.

So things are good. Someone * I think it was Kalene and Kyle* brought us apples yesterday and left them on our front door. We had not had fruit in a while. with 12 people here... a bag is like one days of fruit. We try to be sparingly but it can only go so far with this many.  We have been eating some interesting meals too. My food storage is dwindling. I do have anxiety over how will I ever rebuild it up ... and my pantry is looking emptier every day.  But... the blessing is we have food. We have been fed, roofed and together ;) All that really is the only thing that matters.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Heavy Hearted...

Today I sit here broken.... with tears running down my face.  My heart is aching.... I am hurt, sad, mad and frustrated. I have tried so hard to do only good and somehow.... as lost as I am as to how.... it all has back fired on me.
I can't even explain what is going on out of fear that my family will read this and be mad that I posted something so personal on here...
but... I hope.. some day... SHE understands... all that has been said and done has been because I LOVE HER! I want more for her and her child! I am trying to help.... my husband and I are trying to guide and help her... and she doesn't see it. She just looks at me upset.... offensive and ready for a fight at every moment which is NOT what I want. We have killed ourselves to shelter them... to feed them and to make sure they are set up well. Comfortably...  with their own space... we have helped at every whim of a asking or of a hint... and because we want and require things that should be naturally there.... we are the bad guys... and I fear when they look back will always be the bad guys. It hurts...  especially when we have invested so much.  Today I am just sad.... I feel broken inside... and I hurt. This was not the outcome that I wanted or deserved!     I just want to throw my hands up and say I GIVE UP!  and I just might.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Sweet 16 Party :)

It was Cally's Birthday Party :) She is now 16 :)

We decorated....

We danced before the party started~! :) It was so much fun! My son in law Ryan, he can dance.. he took ballroom when he was younger and did


 THEN THE KIDS CAME :) A perfect group of good kids.......
and the games began.... first Minute to win it games...

  Then Birthday gifts were opened..... from a couple friends.... to my Cally

This gift was a date offer to cold stone :) It would be her first date! :) 
Then more games and Ice cream sundays and snacks....

 An obstacle coarse... :) They spinned in a circle with a bat, hopscotch, jump roped, hoola hooped,moved mnm's from one bowl to another with a spoon in their mouth, and then grabbed bubble gum that was hidden under whip cream .. had to chew and blow a bubble before the next could start

 My grandbaby napping :) Then Picture Scavenger hunt.... these are just a few :) The Boys won!

 Then we had a snow ball fight *Flour* :)


The boys and their war paint

 The girls ready to go!!!!


 Then Paint TWISTER started :) OH WHAT FUN MESSY MESS IT Was!

Then a water balloon fight to finish off the mess.....
 Then sprayed off....
  Then getting warm while watching a movie....
 IT was a great party for a great girl!