Saturday, April 27, 2013

Dear Traumatized Mother....

 Dare I say it like it is?   I sometimes feel guilty if I just think about the way it is. People have no clue.... my life.... my day to day .... my inner thoughts and feelings on life now as I know it. We use to be that family everyone wanted to be. I kid you not. *that must sound prideful or boastful or even vain, but I mean it in a honest approach, because we were so happy, life was so smooth, easy going and wonderful* I have the most amazing children... they are brilliant, successful and so full of love. They are Christ like people and have so much going for them. I have never had to struggle with parenting my first five children. They were obedient... like born that way.... they want to please us, make us proud of them. They get that being apart of a family means to do your share of work and to represent who we are. My latest children are amazing children! I love them. I know they too are brilliant but they have been traumatized, hurt and until they heal, we will all look like that frazzled family that is just trying to survive it all and make it work as we go because every day is different in the way that their healing process has been for each of them, and still is a work in progress.   My cousin wrote me... she gets it. She saw this blog... and sent it to me.... this is me...
  except my children's teacher is constantly telling me all things that they do at school wrong... so even when they are gone, its not like they are... I panic at every phone call. Will it be the Principle? telling me yet again what my son/daughter has done at school or what thing they have said or done  that is not acceptable? I feel bad for any teacher or other person who takes my children on, for I know how hard it is to have them do what they need to, how exhausting it is to get them to do the things they need to... even sit for a moment quietly or participate.  I feel bad if they are disruptive in class or can't focus for longer than a minute. the things I am sorry for is endless... and I literally feel bad for them having to go through what I do on a daily basis because its their job or calling. I feel bad leaving them with their older siblings who are just as lost and frustrated as we are at times as parents. I feel bad asking for help from any other friend or parent.   I am so tired of the therapist being so SLOW at healing these kids... which I am sure it has to be a slow process. but when your dealing with out of control children that sometimes you have to physically help move yourself... just to do simple task... that you know never ends is exhausting!!!!! *UNDERSTATEMENT TO THE WORLD*  I think about next year... what it looks like for Jesse. How will he get thru school at all? The KINDERGARDEN TEACHER is worried about next year... so I guess I should start to worry too. Don't they know how to help him? I guess if I don't I can't expect them to. This trauma mama is how I feel... but with added drama.. because to top off everything .... I have the normal stuff of teens to deal with ... that alone  is exhausting. But what has hurt is hearing my teens tell me they can't stand it anymore, the house, the noise, the children who are out of control. They don't want to bring their friends here anymore.... *OUR HOUSE USE TO BE THE HOUSE TO GO TO*  IT KILLS ME! IT HURTS! All the things I wanted for our family ... has slowly gone and the feelings we all shared about our family and our home.... has been left with chaos and children who are constantly not listening and getting into something they shouldn't. I have done all I can to make it like it once was but I fear that only time and healing will actually bring that reality back.    I feel very alone in parenting because my husband isn't here for half of it. He is working... the school calls me... I have to deal with it then, it can't wait for Daddy to come home. Having trauma children, you have to deal with each situation as it comes ..when it comes. You can't just put it on the back burner and wait for the spouse to come home and help you decide how to handle it or help discipline the child. You have to do it that very moment, and even then... chances are they don't get it... and it take longer for them to get it so chances are it WILL happen again and you have that joy of knowing YOU WILL BE DOING THIS AGAIN... most likely soon.

I am going through a unique stage of TOTALLY wanting to NEVER talk to the birth family again! I am so angry and upset. THEY DAMAGED MY CHILDREN! THEY TOTALLY CAUSED ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!!! The fault lies on THEM! Whether they understood what they were doing or not.... ITS THEIR FAULT my children are suffering... my children are hurting and struggling to succeed in life. ITS THEIR FAULT every day I have to get up and do it all over again in hopes for a small glimpse that some how they will get an inclining of what I am trying teach them or give them.  HEAL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait for the day that they are healed... WILL THEY? WILL THEY EVER REACH THAT DAY? I HOPE SO!!!!!!!!!!!! I PRAY SO!~ I wish it happened like 2 years ago.

What is really hard, is listening to my birth children tell me I don't smile or am not as Happy anymore....  that literally killed me. Because to fake a smile around them has been a challenge but I have done it. But they know me. They KNOW ME SO WELL... they know I am faking it till I  make it. 

Most people... they can go go go... do do do... and make it all work. I feel like I am lucky to keep up just with my family. I have desires to go go go and do do do.. especially for others, especially for the church ... ESPECIALLY TO DO THE LORD'S work... but lately I have had to comfort myself by saying... THE WORK THE LORD NEEDS DONE IS WHAT I AM DOING NOW! IT DOES MATTER AND COUNT! Others may judge me all they want for not doing more in the church or not being enough.... The LORD understands me.  He gets me. HE TRULY KNOWS!!!!! and that is what I have to lay hold to.

My daughter is sexually acting out on herself in school . I AM SO EMBARRESSED! IT IS SO AWFUL!  We have tried everything.... IS SHE GOING TO BE OK? IS she ever going to have the right mentality when it comes to sexual behaviors and what is ok and what is appropriate? Is she going to struggle with boys and do whatever to her body because she doesn't understand what real LOVE IS?   Will she end up to be a pregnant teen? The worries I have for if I can't help her now.... the backwards things she does... IT KILLS ME TO THINK OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER!  How I struggle to not go over and physically let it all out on the person who did this to her!
But no.. I have to give it to God! I have to help her... stand by her... continue to be as patient as possible and love her through it all. and At times... I do suffer ... as a parent... I suffer trying to fix her.. I get frustrated... upset... sick to my stomach.. .mad... the feelings I go through... the public displays and tantrums she performs at times... the embarrassment that I am that parent... who has a child who does all this.  Judge me I don't care...its honest. I feel these very real feelings.  I want normalcy. I want and long for what I had before these children came along. I pray we will reach that again in the future.

The youngest... she is having fun picking up all these habits from the two older ones. HOW DO I STOP THAT? I am trying my normal parenting on her, she should not be as affected by or traumatized as the other two we got her when she was barely 2. She can't remember anything... she repeats things she hears from the two older ones.  She wants attention 24/7. You would think being the baby of the family ... she has plenty of attention. I am struggling in so many ways. I have experienced trauma from all the things I have done and gone through with these three so far.  I never thought I would say these things or feel these things. I try to tell people how hard it is.  They have no clue... unless your a parent  who has a traumatized child.   I can't even explain all that I deal with and go through on a daily basis... because its so exhausting just thinking about it much less writing it.

In the end..... DO I LOVE THEM?  DO I WANT TO DO THIS? WOULD I HAVE DONE THIS ALL OVER AGAIN? ... Crazy... but I do... I love them... they are my children and ALL I WANT is for them to succeed in life. I want them healed and well. I am exhausted emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically. I am depressed and frustrated and I struggle to keep going... but I am doing it. One day ... ONE SECOND at a time...   I just pray... that soon I can see more changes and healing. That is what helps me to continue to go forward .. to do what I do.

It has been the gospel that has probably gotten me and our family through all that we have with our youngest children. Knowing we have to forgive those who did this to them... knowing that parenting with love and not upset is how to deal with these little souls who have been through HELL. Knowing that Jesus would do this for us... each of us *has if you think about it* helps me want to do this on the days it is hard and I feel like I can't go on.  Knowing and teaching that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER AND THAT THIS IS MY FAMILY! Only I can shape them into what I see and want.... with the help of the LORD!  Thankful for the many people who do TRULY CARE AND LOVE US... want the same things I am striving to bring to pass into our lives.... and are willing to offer help, support, prayers and love!   The gospel and its principles are what have helped me the most with my little children.  It is the foundation I stand on.... the truth that I will never deny and the one thing I rely on the most to help me find hope, peace and strength to endure. 

Its hard to be a Mother of traumatized children.... but in the end I am so thankful I am learning so much and growing and I know in the end.... there will come a day when I get back that home...and become that Family that everyone will want to pattern after.  My children will get thru this with much love and they will be amazing... no matter what choices they end making, they will always find the correct  path because I will never give up on them, just as my Savior never gives up on me!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Doing this!

  I have a daughter who thinks she is fat... and who is having some health issues.  So in order to help her... (HELP ALL OF US IN OUR FAMILY REALLY) we are going to change our whole life style of eating :)  and living ....

I have worked hard to re-organize my cook book.  I am going to try to go to CLEAN and GLUTEN FREE/WHOLE GRAINS eating.... less gluten and when I do... using whole grains.
I am going to see and try to recognize if it costs us less to eat this way.... you know HEALTHY... in the past I have said I couldn't eat as healthy because it costs too much...but I thought about it... and really does it cost more?  More than all that over processed and chemical stuff I buy for snacks?  We will see :)
I am also going to get our family moving. *I HOPE*  more active as a family.  Less tv... less computer and gadget games *unless educational* 

I have started at night with turning off the lights in the house at dinner time and using candles. It is making a huge difference in the atmosphere. I AM NOW LOOKING FORWARD TO DINNER TIME! :) It really helps set the mood for bed time... calms everyone down... everyone talks quieter naturally...its been so amazing. REMEMBER WE HAVE 9 people right now in my house!!! 3 very small kids and loud kids, and 4 teens! yeah.. noise! and I have mainly tile floors.. *which I can't stand it makes everything 10 times louder than it is*

 I am trying to find that BALANCE...that PEACE in my life....

I want us to become a goal orientated family.. so I am going to start JOURNALING with the children and making GOALS every week with them. I feel it is really important to teach them direction in life and I know I need it myself.

I want to bring games *BOARD GAMES* back..... more communication between one another and making real lasting relationships. I feel this can help and be fun as well as entertaining.

I am going to do this.... one thing at time :) One step at a time.... with constant schedule changing and life happening I am sure I will have my challenges but.... it is gonna work :)

I want to have a home where peace and refuge is always found.... AND MOSTLY THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

10 things about me...

         I saw this on a friends blog. You write 10 things about you... good/bad/whatever. Things that someone else might not know... or know. Just share away.

So here they are.
1.  I am an insecure person.  I have never felt good enough. Pretty sad.  I have come to this place in my life, maybe with help from experiences and age, that I just don't care anymore if I am enough for others, except my family. I learned a long time ago but did not start practicing this until the last couple of years...its GOD, then Family, then church. Nothing else matters. I try really hard to keep it that way now and my life has been simplified.  I stress too much when I try to help people with meals. Will they like it...will it taste good, will it be ENOUGH...oh look that word again!     If I help or serve others I do it with complete confidence now.  They have a Need... I can fill it.   As a parent, its a whole different story. The manual on each child would of been lovely. The only manual I have found to help me are my scriptures, my prayers that are heard, the temple and my patriarchal blessing

2. I am a worry wart! I need to stop this, but one way I have found that helps me release the stress and worry is to share it. Which I have to say for the few people in this world that do care about me, I feel bad for them. LOL they get the REAL ME... I have no sugar coating techniques. I say it like it is and I say it like I feel it.  So face book is great for me there. I need to be heard and I post and poof I am heard, the stress has been released and I have found most the time the people I care about and visa versa...have great advice. When they don't, their prayers are comforting :) Just knowing someone knows how I feel...helps me. Its become my own therapeutic help. I am not sure I was ever heard as a child. Probably why I need it now.

3. I am afraid of being alone.  This might be why I have so many children, besides the fact that the Lord needed me to mother these individuals. But I am truly terrified to be alone. I can not sleep if my husband isn't here at night. I can not  imagine my life without someone literally here in my house with me.  I am hoping if anything ever happens to Todd and my kids are grown.. I just go with him... or my children will want me to live with them. I don't need much... a closet will work LOL

4. I love/hate church. I hate dressing up for it, while I am not the physical size I would like to be. I like my big body covered up. Every inch! I  do love the people and the uplift I get there, I just hate that most events that everyone goes to has to be dressed up. I do feel strongly that it should be that way, out of respect but I hate doing it.

5. I love graveyards. They offer me peace. Crazy I know...but if I can just walk through one or go sit by a someone I knew... I find I talk to them and release a lot more stress and find comfort. People don't get that. I know that those who are buried are NOT THERE...  I know this! It probably started when my sister died. Her grave was behind my stone wall elementary... nice right! Yeah... and I use to sneak over the wall and go sit by her grave... and talk to her. My father/daughter outings were to her grave, picking weeds, planting flowers.... It was a special time and a sad time with my Father. But it did give me a safe place and there are truly not many of those in this world. At least that I have found

6. I don't like dishes or laundry or potty training. MY PET PEEVES! I think its because they never end. The potty training does eventually but its non stop till they get it.

7.  I am terrified of heights, big semi trucks, bee's     and new foods, basically new raw fish stuff.  I don't want to come to the day where I have to kill my own food to eat... I would die... or eat bugs, I would die...

8. I am not a green thumb. I hate the dirt. I literally have issues with dirt touching me. Its almost painful. Crazy I know. I hate gardening and I mean.. HATE IT..... I think that might have a lot more to do with the dirt and bugs part LOL

9.  I love sun rises and sun sets... blue skys... the sun peaking out with rays of light behind the clouds.... fields with flowers in them or farms. I love animals.

10. I would gladly give up everything I have and am, even blessings and life if my children would know how amazing they are and see themselves as I see them. If only they would know how beautiful/handsome they are and how I have learned from being their mother. How spiritually right on they are... and what a great example to me they are. How pure and Christ like they are. How they are strong and can do anything in this life if they set their minds to it.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Feeling overwhelmed...

This is my beautiful 4 year old Ellie. This picture was taken on our way to the hospital to get her tonsils, adenoids and tubes in her ears out. She was so excited because we had bought pudding, jello, sherbet, soda and Gatorade for after. She couldn't wait to be spoiled. Poor thing had no idea it was going to be so rough or that she wouldn't really care much about all that stuff after.  Especially since she hears what we are having for dinner and she can not. Poor thing!

She did really well. I did really well too considering everything. I had a weird .. I guess it was a panic attack... right when all the nurses and doctors showed up around Ellie. I could not breathe and my heart was racing....  But then a calm came over me and I was fine.
They took her off and what seemed like an eternity waiting to see her again... only took a 20 minutes... but we waited for 30.
When they brought us back to the recovery room, they brought us to an empty room. I thought that was interesting... and I almost started to freak out again worried why she wasn't there... Then THIS MAN... he was her nurse... came out.. carrying her.  I did not see that man, I saw my Father... who is dead. It was so amazing. I can't even explain it. He looked like my father so so much.  My husbands mouth dropped and his eyes got big. I just lost it. I started crying.... I felt my Father presence there so strong. I haven't felt that in a while. It was like he was saying to me," I was there the whole time, I carried her through and she will be OK"   Such a precious moment . 
My Father had the traumatic experience of my sister at the age of 11 dieing in his arms from a tonsillectomy gone wrong. So for him to carry Ellie to me... just an emotional and unbelievably amazing moment. I know he physically was not there... but I DO KNOW HE WAS SPIRITUALLY!
Now my Cally is having problems. She has been having problems for 13 days now with extreme pain in her left side. We went this morning to get her a cat scan and the poor thing. The stupid iv hurt the whole time it was in. IT WAS HUGE! She had silent tears streaming down her face and she would just say, it stings. It is so difficult to watch your child suffer or be in pain. This is so hard. Cally has had it so hard since she was young.  I pray whatever is wrong this time can be figured out and that no more will happen to her.
Life has been crazy around here. To say that is an understatement.  So much is always going  on. I know other families do not have as much going on as I feel we do at our house. My husband gets people all the time asking him why he can't just go do this or that... and he tells me..."THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IT TAKES TO RAISE 8 KIDS.... and 3 of them being TRAUMA KIDS" but then, neither did we. Thank Heavens too because if we had known maybe we would not of tried? nah... I would of still said... if God says I can I will.
The crazy thing.... My children have told me since my GRAND BABY was born that we are missing someone... I am having dreams about a baby boy. Not sure if that is because I am stressing over what they are saying or if there really is one more.  I have pretty much given it to God and he knows, if there is one more, it has to present itself to us... and that it really needs to be soon. I am not getting any younger. 
I have learned so much... 41 and learned so very much... and I know I have so much more to learn!
I am thankful for every experience for its all making me a better person. *I THINK*  I am especially thankful for my children and their health! :)