Monday, January 20, 2014

I made it!

 This month has been one big whirl wind for me.... from Birthdays to a wedding.... I am wiped. My Mother is still here. I can now just enjoy her visit and have nothing on my plate to do unless I want to do it. At least until next week ... when its Bella's birthday and then a week after  Jesse get baptized...but its a WEEKS BREAK and I WILL TAKE IT!

The wedding was over the top beautiful! I can't believe how many wonderful friends came to help. It was put together so eligently. Pictures don't even show how beautiful it was.....  It was a dream if you ask me.   Kalene was beautiful... and everything went smoothly. Which is odd because usually there is always a hiccup somewhere.  I can't believe there were none.   My legs and knees and ankles have hurt for weeks now... I think I have been so busy I haven't sat much... so now I am resting them as much as I can..... at least this week.

I am really lost right now.. on where to say whatever and be myself.. I have these "GROWN UP KIDS" married and what have you still living with me and sometimes I feel like I can't say what I think anymore because now they take it differently and its hard. I am ready for them to all move on and be their own people in their own homes.  Its hard to do what we are right now for the fact that someone is always upset or taking something wrong.... and I don't want anymore relationship problems or connections.

I don't know how some people do it all. I really don't. We have a Stake President. I swear he never stops... and he is always smiling and he is always giving to others. I want to be like him. I want to always be able to do for others and have that ENERGY to do it...but keeping up with my own family seems to exhaust me.  I wish I could do what he does though.... He is amazing and Christ like. Such an example to me. I really admire him and am so thankful for all that he did for us with the wedding.  

I think I am sad today... I can't explain all of my feelings... or even why I am... It could be let down... the stress release thing.... It has been so overwhelming this month... I have tried so hard to keep such a good positive outlook with it all and take it all in stride and not be stressed... to ENJOY it and not  SURVIVE IT.  And I have enjoyed it all.... I think I can just breath a  little easier now.  

Our bills keep going up.. our food budget keeps getting smaller and there are more people to feed than ever. We still don't qualify for food stamps. I don't know how that isn't even possible. Our mortgage went up... STUPID TAXES!  the stress of money and how we will make it is always on my mind....    I am trying to figure out a job.   I could do daycare but emotionally and mentally I don't think I could because my own children are a handful....   I think I could go out and get a job but I am not sure anywhere would work with me for the hours that I would need to be home with the Children. We would move but to do that we have to recarpet the whole place or undersell and to get out we have to get at least what we owe. You don't sell to owe more... and I feel so stuck.  Sinking really. I am sinking in a big hole... and buried alive. 

anyhow...I guess I needed to vent. I don't want to blog to only vent. I have been blessed and there are so many wonderful blessings happening in my life. Just don't want to stress Todd out more than he is already and my friends don't need to hear this. Like what could they do anyhow.      

I want to go back to bed. My eyes are heavy.. but I think my Mom will wake up soon and I really want to spend every waking moment with her while I have her. I love her so!

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