Thursday, June 27, 2013

Mama Gram

 Today I get to go get a mama Gram. OH YEAH ME! Does anyone want to take my place? Cause I am willing to offer :)  Yeah not looking forward to my boobs being smashed and all that! Nope!
Nervous as all get out... the What if's are running thru my head like no other.... what if they find that what I think is a lump is cancer? What if I have to get a needle to find out if its cancer...what if I have to have chemo... the thoughts are un-ending...can I do this? Will I do this? Why does this have to even be a challenge in life? The zillion thoughts running through my head.

Its the first time I want to hold someone's hand... and yet you really can't.  I am almost depressed feeling... like numb over the whole thing. I just have to do this. I have no choice, not really. Not if I want to live or try to if its serious.  I can't imagine what women go through who have cancer... I don't want to know.  I pray I am not a number.... one in so many that get cancer.

I had a night mare that it was the end of the world last night. Makes sense, kinda how I feel right now.... it was really dark... I was somewhere going somewhere with a load of people, some family some not and there were dark clouds all around whatever it was we were traveling in... and animals and things were being dropped out of the sky... and I stood up and told the whole group of people I was with that we have to have HOPE.  That faith wasn't fear.  I actually preached to the people as if having this HOPE would make a difference and save us. I even called my daughter at college and told her the same... and I was trying to keep the peace in this place... people who were upset, I was fixing their problems. It was a strange dream.   I keep thinking... is this me telling me to have HOPE? to have Faith? I felt like the end of the world in my dream... I kept thinking I don't want it to be here yet... and at the same time in my dream I was trying to tell myself I would be ok to keep positive.

Anyhow... in a few hours I go... do the thing I do not want to do and then I have to wait 7 days for the results JOY ME.. I am not good at waiting... I am a mess.

1 comment:

Annie said...

Totally unpleasant but it doesn't take that long.... I'm Catholic so we have the tradition of "offering it up" as a gift to God. I definitely have to do that.