How are you? someone asks..... I think for a moment... do they want the real scoop? NO ! They don't.... no one ever does with this question... they just want to walk by and be polite... they don't want to hear your life trials or upsets... or even joys.... they just want a quick... I am good thanks and you? so they can reply the same... good :)
How am I? well.... I am still struggling every day.... I am depressed. I have evaluated this whole thing and I am... Every day... I have to force myself to move..... to take a shower.... to take the kids to school and to numbly sit and do nothing... till its time to pick up the kids. I look around.... I miss my grandbaby sounds.... I miss the company of my older daughter.... and my second daughter who is off at college. But my second daughter will come back. I haven't screwed that up.....
How am I? Well I tried talking to my oldest daughter... and she sounds good... I wonder... is she really? Does she not want me to know her life that much? Or is she truly happy? I hope its she is truly happy but it has to be hard... now living under another PARENTS roof, no place of her own. No woman wants that..... we woman like our own little home, own little kitchen... etc......
I wonder..... how is she sleeping at night... is it good? I fear its not. I wonder... does she have enough money to get what she needs? What the baby needs? I worry she doesn't.
I try to give this all to God. I pray daily... several times a day... I Cry.... I beg and plead. Please bless them with a job.... and way to get on their feet. I BEG!!!!!!!!!! I PLEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel.... exhausted. I am not sleeping well.... I feel sick!
I hear on the phone how my grandbaby is just loving her other Grandpa... and so cute with him.... and my heart sinks.... for me... selfishly ... for us... I am happy she is good.... having relationships with them.... but inside... I am wishing it was still me.
Sometimes I think ... can Christ just come..... PLEASE! Lets all just be happy and go on to heaven.... and be together there... with NO SATAN to bound us... and be eternal. I am ready... so so so ready for that day. My heart is still heavy.... I think the crying is less.... but I think I am numb now....
Time... give it time... I am told..... TIME MEANS MY GRANDBABY is growing up... forgetting me.... I am missing all those neat steps in her life... which I guess reality has to slap me in the face.... HELLO YOU DID THIS! ITS HER TURN! ITS NOT MEANT FOR YOU TO WATCH IT ALL AND BE THERE! GIVE IT UP! DUH!!!!!!!!!!!
I am the side lines now.... I am an observer now.... in their life... and only to what they want or allow me to observe.
I just want to see them again. I feel then and only then I can feel better... Happy again... because I will know we are truly ok or not........
so I am going to try to get out of the house every morning starting Monday... Gonna force myself to go work out most the morning...then come home do school with my 4 year old and clean house till its time to pick up the kids... I am gonna just go day by day and hope in time my daughter will open up like we use to and talk to me. Really share... really talk to me..... then and only then will I feel more ok and healed... and able to move forward truly smiling and when people ask ... HOW ARE YOU... only then will I be able to say GOOD without a little white lie... only then..... till then I try... I do what I can... I cry... and sometimes I pray... and.... so yeah... .its me.
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I'm so sorry. I was so envious when your daughter and family moved in with you.... How I love to have everyone close by! How you must miss that sweet grand-daughter. I'd feel just the same envy. Actually, I do feel it. My son's children know their other grandparents very well - me...I'm just a stranger to them. Ah, well. Distance is distance, especially with children. With adults, when it all can boil down to communication in words, you can keep things going, but with a little one. I just gave up, honestly.
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