A recap

This year has gone by so fast.... I think last year this time I was saying,... before you know it will be Christmas again.  This new year I have plans.... I am going to be making a Christmas gift every month. I will not be caught up in the last minute like I am every year stressing and worrying. I want it done before it gets here and it will give me something great and fun to do. I plan on starting with Sock Monkeys in February.  By then my life will have slowed down enough to breathe again.  I am enjoying the last few days before real crazy starts.... Trying to take things one day at a time and enjoying the moments of preparing Kalene for her big day. It is so crazy.... so exciting to think she starts her new life. Although she will be starting it under my roof but only for a short time till they go back to school and their housing opens up again. I am thankful I have a room and enough to help them during this time. To help all of my children if and when they need me. :) Its a huge blessing.

I am doing ok on WW.  Todd is my sabatoger though. I don't know why but together we crave the most unhealthiest and yummiest things.  I was doing great yesterday and we took the kids to see the movie Frozen.... and on the way home he asks... "WHAT WILL WE DO FOR DINNER?" I had planned a meal but I guess he was craving PIZZA! So yep...I ate it.... but to my surprise I didn't gain a thing and I had actually lost :) SO kinda happy. 

Frozen was adorable. At the end of the movie they sang a song, "LET IT GO" and Ellie went on and on about it... singing it that is... then she had to go to the bathroom. You have to picture this.... a little girl.. .singing her heart out...these words over and over... LET IT GO and on the toilet.... and she is peeing... still singing very loudly  LET IT GO.    IT WAS FUNNY! She sang it all the way home and we got sick of it really quick..... but it was funny. She LOVED IT!
I think I will be buying it.

Aylin is visiting. Its been a good visit so far. She stayed with us till Christmas afternoon then Jociel took her. And we get her back any moment ... we will have her till Saturday and then she goes home.  this week I hope to take it easy..... let the kids just play.  My littles are sick. Coughing, sore throat ... and so I need them to get better before my Mother comes... before my Grandbaby comes.     I hope Aylin doesn't get it but she had a cough when she was here last week.

Anyhow.... Soon it will be a New Year.... crazy 2014... crazy!  My mortgage went up a little.... joy!  I so want to move.... into a smaller place with land...but I guess for now its where we need to be so all my children can and will come back when they need a place to live. 

Todd is having a birthday on the 1st, then Kyle on the 2nd.... the 4th Aylin goes home..... then the 8th is Kalene's birthday.... the 9th Virginia and Zoey come...the 11th Kalene gets her intial stuff done at the temple to prepare for the wedding. The 13th is Jesse's birthday the 14th my mother comes, the 16th is Kalene's bridal shower ... the 17th we set up the wedding reception... the 18th.... is the wedding and the ring exchange and we tear down and clean up after. ... then I get to relax...enjoy my mom.... my grandbaby.... and then Bella's birthday is the 29th...but mom goes home the day before so we might celebrate early. Jesse gets baptized sometime in Feb...and my ZOEY turns 1 :) CRAZY! Just the first month of the new year and WHAM! :) BUSY! :) I don't know what I will make everyone for cakes..... and I have no moola for gifts...I have I O U's.....  but yeah.....

I ordered Kalene a glass temple like I did for Virginia.  I hope it comes in time.....  We had one but thru the years it broke.... I want another one...maybe this wedding anniversary we can get one.  

I have goals for myself.... getting more spiritual...reading more good books at night with my husband before bed...... reading my scriptures more in depth and praying  more.... we do the family ones but I still struggle with personal ones on my knees because I feel I am constantly talking to the Lord. A constant prayer in my heart.... but I know its important to do the personal one....  I want to exercise and eat well. I hope and pray I loose a little before the wedding. A LOT would be cool but I will take what I get....  Its a new year...with endless possibilities...and I am excited!

I started WW

So today.... I did it... I started WW. I asked Todd and he said if that is what I want to do. I have been struggling to feed us healthy meals. I have tried to and did some good and some bad.... A friend of mine lost all her weight using WW. So its past time... and I started today. I will actually go shopping tomorrow on pay day and start.... today I am learning.... there is so much info there.... all sorts of trackers.... and wow...its a lot...a little overwhelming even. But I am going to do it. I have to. I am going to get up early and start my day with exercise... so if I can't go to the y there is no excuse. I have to do this. Todd is going to try to do it with me too.
We have too many people depending on us. After the wedding I plan on going in for a physical for some things that I am concerned about as well.... I just need to get pro-active.

So I feel really good about this. :)  just wanted to share what I did :) Excited....

The Dream I just woke up from...

 Oh my gosh... I am freaking out... just a little..... I believe my dreams.... certain ones... I just know which are dreams and which seem to or feel to come from God to me... this one has that indication that it is from God.

Lately I have felt "OLD" and "UNABLE" as a parent. My son Jesse has been unregulated... hard..... he is uncontrollable, making bad choices left and right, trying to create Chaos everywhere he goes * I read children who come from places my son has, create chaos to feel safe and in control*  It has been exhausting and hard to not loose it. To have patience..... I have looked at one of my friends and probably too many times out of my frustration have said... " HE IS GOING TO KILL ME"  I know not the best words to choose. I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated at times that I am totally lost for words. the other words I have over used this week are "DONE" I AM DONE!!!!!! over and over. MY POOR FRIEND!~ I am sorry .... I am sure  I have killed her because she is this very sweet person and amazingly patient mother. 

Anyhow..... I woke up with tears streaming from my face..... from a dream...its started like this...... I was with President LEWIS and his family... we were at some church thing..... in some new building I have not been in.  We were looking for food for our kids to eat.... and I had a baby.... NOT BORN FROM ME... I KNEW I HAD ADOPTED HIM.  Pauls son Collin asked me which baby food jar did I want to feed the baby... all were not really full.....  I said, "I better go find a different one."  then Collin asked " Do you want me to keep these jars?" I responded "Oh no, I don't keep them, but thanks"  Then Paul said he would watch the baby for me with his son while I go look ....  I leave...as I leave it was like a joke .... Paul says.... " See you in a minute maybe with another one" *MEANING A CHILD* I yell jokingly " OH NO I AM DONE! DONE! DONE! DONE!" I head towards a direction... lots of chairs everywhere... and this woman.... I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS, but in my dream I DID... her eyes were heavily made up, she was beautiful with long hair but that is all I remember of her. Anyhow... she stops me and I ask her how she is.... and she says, " I HEARD YOU WERE IN THE MARKET FOR ANOTHER BABY and that YOU GOT HIM" I respond, " OH NO, we were NOT in the market for one, this one just happened. " She told me there was gossip that I had been looking for one... and I settled that quick by saying, " I know, I heard the rumors but I assure you we were NOT looking."  Then she said, " We were thinking of adopting but with the times getting worse and the end upon us... we just felt it might be best to NOT adopt. " 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPIRIT FILLED ME! I MEAN FILLED ME! ... I WAS LITTERALLY CRYING IN MY DREAM AND I WOKE UP FROM CRYING AS I SPOKE TO HER WITH POWER! A power I can't explain only that it was a conviction in my heart and whole being.... I said, " I know that the times are getting harder and it is scary to raise a family, but Heavenly Father needs these children to come and to have families, families that are sealed to them. So that they can be FOREVER and if we all die, at least we have that promise that these children will be raised by us, their eternal families.." We were both crying and I WOKE UP!

I am not sure what this means......  I don't know if it means that there is another child that will be presented to us *which I will be honest...HELLO I AM OLD and it scares me, but I know me.... I would never turn a child away and I would do it if I felt the Lord had a hand in it*  or if this means I need to think more eternally with the ones I have especially on the hard days and realize how amazingly blessed we are to have each other sealed as a forever family.  Either way the spirit was still strong with me as I cried and shared this dream with my husband.     

I know this... the baby it was not brand new.... and he must be of age to eat baby food from a jar.


*NEW UPDATE* 12 29 2013* I think this dream has meaning for me... not that we will have another baby but... that I am to share my testimony to those who don't or can't have children. I think I am suppose to help them consider adoption. As in my dream... there are children who need families to love them. Can you imagine never having a family or family name? Can you imagine just living with someone till you graduate and then what? Where would you go for the holidays? Who would you celebrate with? NO one claiming you in this life or the next? Its a sad thought. I think God has me on errand.... and I will do it :)

a dream

I dreampt an interesting not like me kind of dream last night..... 
I dreampt we were living with a group of people out in the woods.... we were living off the land and had a cabin we all shared.... then some misle came and blew up our cabin and we scattered into the woods for safety. We didn't feel safe in rebuilding the cabin so we decided to dig into the ground in the woods and make a home under ground.... with wood sticks and a roof that was strong but camoflauged... .and these underground living spaces were only big enough for sleep in.... other wise we were up and working outside in the garden and everywhere. It was a very interesting dream. It made me feel like it was in the future.... crazy.. I know but still wanted to record it.

Thanksgiving....

Thanksgiving was well.... we had 3 different meals... One with my oldest, one with my second oldest and one with my husbands family on 3 different days..... The little children did fairly well for an overwhelming environment of people they didn't really know and crazy loudness in a small home.  Until we got home...from that point on ... we have seen behaviors that I can only express as exhausting. I am lost as to how to help or change any of it at this point and almost too tired to continue to try.
Tomorrow is school... makes me nervous... will they act out in school? BE OK? the what if's.... I know the sound of the phone ringing will bring me anxiety....

This time of year is especially hard on our littles.... its when they were taken from their last foster home and brought to us, without any Christmas Gifts that they just had been given. So much of their world turned upside down.... and they saw and experienced things no child should have to.   So they are not sleeping well... they are anxious... nervous.... antsy.....  full of anger, frustration and they have no clue as to why they are....

Yet my husband and I have been feeling depressed.... I am not sure if its the seasonal blues... or the knowledge of my sister in law has stage 4 cancer and with one round of Cheimo she lost all her hair.... strong stuff! So all the men this holiday season shaved their heads.... Doing that brought out a lot of emotions for me... Thinking of my sister in law... the hardship of loosing her hair.... and the what if's.... how long does she have thoughts... so on... and how sweet it was of a sacrifice for my husband and son to go bald for her!~   Emotional... yes!

So much is going on these next two months.... SO MUCH! I feel stressed and overwhelmed.... and so much that I just want to sit and NOT DO ANYTHING! not good... that won't help me get things done!

Trying to find a small amount of motivation. I told my husband we need to go swimming every night as a family to help with our stress and health. He agreed.  Lets see if it really happens.

 FOR SOME REASON BLOGGER WON'T ALLOW ME TO UPLOAD PICTURES !! UGH! oh well...its still a great place to let it all out !:)

This is my husband and son...they shaved their hair for his sister who has stage 4 cancer

 This is one of our Thanksgiving Dinners. It won't allow me to upload the other one with my other daughter ERRRR

This is my grandbaby :) She is precious and just came for a visit

This is my daughter about to get married and the dress my mom made for wedding reception :)

This is my Zoey .... :) MY GRANDBABY who learned to crawl up the stairs while here.