A dream....

So I had a dream. VERY VIVID! Crazy..... just gonna say whatever at this point...... I dreampt I went to health and welfare....there was this 18month  old.... baby... little girl. ADORABLE..>TINY Blonde.... and her MIDDLE NAME WAS SHADE?!  Which is my Maiden name...And her mothers name was CORINA..... and she was in jail.... and I felt very much attatched to this little girl.... brought Todd to her and the H&W said she isn't ready yet to leave but will be soon.... and you can take her home if you like... and I was asking Todd what he thought and I was reminded..... to tell him....in my dream... YOU DID SAY THERE WAS ONE MORE IN THE TEMPLE........ then WOKE UP! Yeah... not even sure what to think or how to go about it..... I had just gotten done saying in church yesterday how empty our pew is.... and Todd said does that mean we are going to do foster care again? I said... NO WE ARE DONE......hmmmmm not even sure what to think about it all...this is exactly how the first three started.... well not exactly. I knew we were going to adopt and friend who had just died came to me in a dream with a baby.... and it was Ellie and I knew it was time to start our adoption process......  but I really feel done..... tired... exhausted.... like I am ready to just be GRANDMA....and enjoy grandbabies..... I don't know. IF God really feels like there is one more that is coming to us...I WILL DO WHATEVER HE WANTS.  I will.... and I could never turn a child away but I think at this point they would have to find me. I am not up to go looking....

How am I doing? HA

 How are you? someone asks..... I think for a moment... do they want the real scoop? NO ! They don't.... no one ever does with this question... they just want to walk by and be polite... they don't want to hear your life trials or upsets... or even joys.... they just want a quick... I am good thanks and you?  so they can reply the same... good :)

 How am I?  well.... I am still struggling every day.... I am  depressed. I have evaluated this whole thing and I am... Every day... I have to force myself to move..... to take a shower.... to take the kids to school and to numbly sit and do nothing... till its time to pick up the kids.    I look around.... I miss my grandbaby sounds.... I miss the company of my older daughter.... and my second daughter who is off at college.  But my second daughter will come back. I haven't screwed that up.....

How am I? Well I tried talking to my oldest daughter... and she sounds good... I wonder... is she really? Does she not want me to know her life that much? Or is she truly happy? I hope its she is truly happy but it has to be hard... now living under another PARENTS roof, no place of her own. No woman wants that..... we woman like our own little home, own little kitchen... etc......
 I wonder..... how is she sleeping at night... is it good?  I fear its not.     I wonder... does she have enough money to get what she needs? What the baby needs? I worry she doesn't. 

I try to give this all to God. I pray daily... several times a day... I Cry.... I beg and plead. Please bless them with a job.... and way to get on their feet. I BEG!!!!!!!!!! I PLEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel.... exhausted.  I am not sleeping well.... I feel sick!  

I hear on the phone how my grandbaby is just loving her other Grandpa... and so cute with him.... and my heart sinks.... for me... selfishly ... for us...  I am happy she is good.... having relationships with them.... but inside... I am wishing it was still me.  

Sometimes I think ... can Christ just come..... PLEASE! Lets all just be happy and go on to heaven.... and be together there... with NO SATAN to bound us... and be eternal. I am ready... so so so ready for that day. My heart is still heavy.... I think the crying is less.... but I think I am numb now.... 

Time... give it time... I am told..... TIME MEANS MY GRANDBABY is growing up... forgetting me.... I am missing all those neat steps in her life... which I guess reality has to slap me in the face.... HELLO YOU DID THIS! ITS HER TURN! ITS NOT MEANT FOR YOU TO WATCH IT ALL AND BE THERE! GIVE IT UP! DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

I am the side lines now.... I am an observer now.... in their life... and only to what they want or allow me to observe. 

I just want to see them again. I feel then and only then I can feel better... Happy again... because I will know we are truly ok or not........

so I am going to try to get out of the house every morning starting Monday... Gonna force myself to go work out most the morning...then come home do school with my 4 year old and clean house till its time to pick up the kids... I am gonna just go day by day and hope in time my daughter will open up like we use to and talk to me.  Really share... really talk to me..... then and only then will I feel more ok and healed... and able to move forward truly smiling and when people ask ... HOW ARE YOU... only then will I be able to say GOOD without a little white lie...  only then..... till then I try... I do what I can... I cry... and sometimes I pray... and.... so yeah... .its me.

MOTHERHOOD

Motherhood is an adventure all in its own....
You get pregnant... You can't wait to hold this child... love this child .... then the child is born.... You can't wait to sleep again..... then they start to crawl and get into everything.... from crawling to walking to running getting into everything and you can't wait for them to stop getting into everything or putting everything in their mouths.... then you bring more children into the family... You can't wait for the children to stop bickering between themselves... and get along.... then school starts and you wonder where did the time go? Where are your BABIES? then summer comes and you think... HURRY UP SCHOOL... LETS GET THEM TO SCHOOL..... and you think you will enjoy the break... .then that break comes and you are clueless as to what to do with yourself because you were so use to the kids being home.... then middle school comes... and wow are they changing into young adults and maturing and hormones... *JOY* and you think..... where did my little child go? She/He are really growing up.... Then Highschool happens and dating.... OIY! You were totally not ready for all the drama that usually comes with highschool and dating and boys/girls... so on and so forth... then they graduate... and you think? WHAT? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Then they go off to college and you are left with a room filled with their stuff.... but they are not there...Its like they are dead but they aren't.... and the pain is very real.... and you wonder how you will stop texting them a thousand times or calling them so many times a day just to hear their voice and that they are ok...because... YOU STILL WORRY... then they come home and say... GUESS WHAT.....*DRUM ROLL PLEASE* I AM GETTING MARRIED.... and you get excited and think WOW! THIS IS GONNA BE SO WONDERFUL...and that day comes.... and SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE as you WATCH YOUR BABY GET MARRIED! And million thoughts come back into your mind about life and how fast it went by even when you thought at times it was taking forever... and how UNPREPARED YOU ARE TO REALLY LET GO! Its time for them to fly .... make their own life .... choose for themselves.... make mistakes *AS WE ALL DO * and its so hard to not say anything... to not step in and give your advice that you so lovingly want to do because you truly do love them and only want whats best for them...but then if you do... they will be upset that your controlling them or not allowing them to be grownups... *which yeah... its true if you want to look at it that way* and then.... you become GRANDPARENTS!!!!! Best thing EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and you can hold that baby and see your child in that baby... and its like you didn't loose anything after all... just gained more But at the same time.... you do miss... all those years... and you wonder how you will go on...without these special people in your life... DAILY IN YOUR LIFE.... like when they were yours... little and needing you... and your heart hurts... a little... and yet its filled with joy because its God's plan.... I don't know how I will do this 6 more times.... its so hard and the first two... sure have had to be the guinea pigs for our family. Being a Mother is an adventure. I asked my Mom how she did it... and at age 70 with tears rolling down her face...she replied..."ITS HARD BUT YOU DO IT" I hope I am just surrounded with a zillion grandbabies to keep me so busy... I won't miss everything else.

A visit to my Mom's

 I was blessed.... greatly.... a friend from far away.... felt inspired to send us some money. It was enough for me to go see my Mom for her birthday. HER 70th Birthday. She had no idea... and I totally surprised her. BEST MOMENT EVER!
She has been deeply depressed since all the women in her life had moved away.... and so her husband said that he had to go to the bathroom and so they stopped at the shuttle place where I drove in at.... I sat across from their car... waiting for her to look... but she didn't. So I got up and tapped on her window... She freaked out... was startled and then realized it was me... Almost couldn't open the door... she started to cry and just hold me and then looked at me and cried some more. Poor thing... she followed me into the back seat.... and just cried and asked how... all the way to her home.   It was so good for me to be there as much as she needed me... I needed her!
 We talked.... and talked... about all that was going on in my life with my children and things in her life..... I needed her.... her wisdom, concern and love.... She helped me see I am a good mother. That I have done all I can and where I might of made some mistakes.... that it was not on my shoulders ... for things had been kept and promises ... and so on.. NONE OF THIS WOULD OF HAPPENED!

We talked about how letting go is so hard... and how I always wanted my children close but reality is... it really may not happen and we are to let go..... let them live their life.   So while there I have tried to step back... and wait patiently for my daughter to come around. For her to call me... or text me. To not pry.... its the hardest thing I have ever done.... Patience is NOT MY VIRTUE! Boy am I learning a lot at the young age of 41... more than I realized I was in for.

I had my mom back to her old self... and gaining weight again before I left... Now on the phone I hear MY MOM :) The happy go lucky woman I have always known and loved. I have to make sure I see her more.... she can't travel anymore...but I can go to her!!!

I have the Best Mom in the world! I want to grow up to be JUST LIKE HER!

Life is happening...

 So I finally was able to reach my daughter..... we talked. It was so good to hear her voice. I miss her so much. She says they love where they are at.... in Washington.  It is green.... has hills... tree's. She loves it. She is being treated well by her in laws... I am thankful for that!  They are going thru some trials and financial issues but she is staying positive and will find a way.   There is nothing I can do to help. They are where they need to be. If this all happened here, and her husband got depressed, we would not of been able to have helped him. Only his Dad is the one who can help him in times like these and so that is where they are. It is good.  To hear my daughters voice was a blessing.  To know she is ok... and my grandbaby is doing well.. crawling. I miss my grandbaby.. her happy little spirit.  She is loving her other grandparents and uncles and aunt. That is good. Although her uncle's and Aunt's here all have share a similar heart ache in missing her as well. What a loved child she is :) So blessed like that.

I am better now that I have heard their plans. I am not living in what if's and what will happen? I know... she is staying...  I am going to pack up her room and we are going to try and fix their car so when they come for the stuff its all taken cared of for her.  We don't know how to help other wise. Money is not here..... and we still have to find a way to get wood pellets for winter.... Christmas and a wedding in January... lets not forget the zillion birthdays in between.

My other daughter left yesterday for college with her fiancé  and they got stuck in Jerome.  The car over heated and broke down... that was a long day for them. They left at 9 am.... and didn't get to college till 8 something.   it is only a 4 to 5 hour trip.... His father came and got them. Took them to college. We hope that the car is fixable. Poor Kyle he put so much money and work into while they were on break.    But they are there safe and sound... exhausted but safe and sound. 

It is quiet in my home with only 8 left. Crazy but it really is... 5 more people made it louder.... busier.... crazier... and an extra dog...   now 5 and a dog left and it is weird... not just to me... Everyone is like... its too quiet.   We are all missing all my children that moved out. Its hard to let go... Its so very hard......

I do think in time our hearts will heal ... but I think the fight we had will make it a long process and that it will take a while to get back to where we once were but I have to have hope that we will find that place. 

I have not cried so much in my entire life.... my heart has not been so heavy before... not even over a death.... this has been so hard... so heavy... I am lighter but I am still hurting.... and I guess that too will take time to go away.... I am still heavy hearted and I think that too will take time to lift . I think that will take till we hug again in person and say I love you face to face

I have learned so much in all of this. I stress too much. I am not patient. I am not compassionate enough... I have to learn to hold my tongue... to conquer my thoughts when mean ones come in... to bridle my upset... and anger... to keep positive and to try to focus on that.  I have so much more growing and learning to do.... you would think 41 I would have this down....  but I don't.  So I am going to try and focus on bettering myself.... We might take anger management classes... we will do yoga and meditation.... I will read my scriptures more and pray more.... I will serve more..... I hope that my daughter and her husband will feel our love again... and see we are going to try and change for the better.... as part of our repentance in all of this. 

I can see clearly now....

    I think I can see clearly at least clearer.....      Bottom line..... the truth is.... Yes I played a big part in the thing that has been hurting me....  But... I also feel that there was wrong on all of us... we all played a part in this. It wasn't just me... or just my husband... it wasn't just them... it was all of us.   They had responsibilities that they were not holding up on.... they had things they said they would do and didn't.... 

My husband and I have learned a lot about ourselves.... we are going to be taking some classes I think to help us become better people. We want to learn from this mistake and grow from it. Change! I never want to see the person that came out a week ago....

I am trying daily to make changes.... small as they may be they are changes... I am trying to become better. Yes.... I made a mistake but I am human... I have to forgive myself. I have done *What I Feel* everything in my power to make sure I have corrected my wrongs.....  it is just going to take time.  Just time.... and patience...
I am going to be ok. I have to.... I have too many other people who care about me... who need me to be ok.... I can't just focus on this... I have too many other obligations in my life.
They will come around. They have to...I hope!

life

life is one big roller coaster... you spend your whole childhood in a hurry to grow up. Can't wait to grow up and be adults.  Then you grow up and you have kids and feel like... oh my gosh.... why did I rush that? Then your kids grow up and your like... WHAT? YOUR AN ADULT? I Can't parent you? HUH! But... BUT.... let me help you... let me guide you.... don't do that... oh no... you did what? Why? HUH?   OH?? and you have to stand by and watch them make mistakes or maybe watch them do well.... you get to see both... and they don't want your help. They don't want your input... They are ADULTS now... and I think did my mother suffer ? Did she struggle to watch me screw up as an adult? Like how did she do this? Did she not care? I know she did..... I am just doing my best... trying to help.. and I screw that up.... and now.... my help isn't just not needed its not wanted to the point of  Don't even think about worrying about me or helping me cause I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!

We really knew this was gonna happen before we came to earth and we agreed to it? REALLY?   ...  I am struggling... I am trying to NOT worry. I am trying to NOT HELP.... but its hard... and it hurts to not be needed or wanted.... in the way you programmed yourself to be while raising kids.... you just don't raise kids for 20 years and then one day say.. OH WAIT YOU ARE DONE!

To the depths of my soul...

  I am broken.... I am so upset with myself... I can't even express why....  but ... to the depths of my soul... I am.  I can't express it here... too personal and private.

I know that Jesus died for me... for all the stupid mistakes I have made and will make.... I know his atonement was for this moment in my life.... but I can not forgive myself... not yet.

The pain I am unable to let go of... its consuming me....  its so hard.... tears streaming down my face....   uncontrollable tears...     I am numb too.  I just am not reacting to things around me like I use to. I am slow to react and slow to feel. 

I have no way of making this better or right... not at this moment.. words... are just that words.... and the depth of this... is more than I can express.

I thought I could come on here and release some pain... and I can't.... just more tears.... more consumption.    This is when I think Why was I born?   Why did I have to be such a mess up?   Why can't I get it? Why ?????? and its endless with the WHYS!!!!!!!!

I am trying to be strong... trying to not be this way in=front of my children....  trying to help my husband too feel less of this broken... we are both suffering at the same time with.....       He has me worried... calling every other hour... crying on the phone....  there is no way to console him or comfort him. I try... but  I can't. ... and I don't think he can for me either.  

They say time heals everything. I don't know.... that is the part that hurts the most. I don't know if time will heal this.  I pray it does... I pray that it hurrys and heals this...but the unsure-ity of it... I just don't know.

praying for peace... for all of this to be ok.... praying for comfort.... for all of this to be fixed. Praying that we finally get it... and that we can grow and learn and be more...            life isn't easy.   This is isn't easy.          if all is lost then it wasn't worth it.  Not to me.       Its my reason for existing!