My Oldest Daughter and her family

Bella's first time in trouble

I got a phone call yesterday... Bella is in Kindergarden.... and she had punched a boy in the eye for telling her that the salsa on her breakfast burrito was not hot..... she thought it was.... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. MY LITTLE SWEET GIRL PUNCHED A BOY????? I tell her father in text... his response which I think is every man's response... WELL NO ONE WILL MESS WITH HER HAA HAA... except.. I was not laughing... I felt like I was the one in trouble because the tone the Principle took with me.   Since adopting.... I have gotten to know this principle all too well.. MORE THAN ANY PARENT SHOULD EVER KNOW!!!!!! All due to my children acting up or misbehaving. I have never done this till now. All my other children never got in trouble.  

So here I am trying to look stuff up on the internet as to how handle this correctly.... to NOT cause trauma ....

I came across a ODD oppositional Defiant Disorder program for kids with ADHD, PTSD and many others....  its a reward system... Basically you take everything away from them.... things most kids naturally want to do and can be allowed to do because they are for the most part good kids.....

These kids don't know how to be good sometimes... they need help....  So you teach them they earn everything ... it is like a self motivator and helps to discipline their actions. Helps them think before they speak or act.

So I am trying to do something along these lines, not as strict. I will allow them to play in their room as long as they keep it up and clean. If they don't then I take that item and when they want it back it will be earned :) I am excited and hopeful this will help with many things... .I PRAY!

5 months....

I have 5 months till my second daughter is married. CRAZY! It feels like they grew up so fast ... just yesterday they were little and in my arms. Now they are women.... who have fallen in love and now preparing to start their own lives. Ok one has already but its crazy how fast this happens.

My husband says we are living in full spectrum right now.... We have one left at home.... 2 in elementary school... one in middle school.... 2 in high school.... one in college and one graduated from college with a grandbaby! Our life will most likely never be like it is right now at this moment.... I want to savor it. :)

I am going to try to get healthy before the next wedding. I hope to be in a smaller size. I don't want to set limits or expectations because I self sabotage I just want to make excercising a habit for now and go from there.  I don't do well with change or pressure... so yeah

Took Jesse to urologist. They say they see two spots in his right side of his kidneys... of calcium. They are not right now... a stone but can and may become one. Just have to watch it. NO FUN! I just want him to be ok . We sure are trying to do all we can there.

Right now... we have 12 people living at home....its a lot of people, noise, food, and sometimes... I really enjoy what little quiet I get or look forward to that quiet time. I don't want to rush it though. I will never again have my grandbaby so close to me and available so I want to treasure that too.

We were going to move.... for many reasons... we might still but my two oldest asked us to not move till they graduate.  SO...... I don't know. I think we need to make a trip to the temple and pray  about it. I want to give them what they want but at the same time I FEEL the need to move and NEED for change.... on so many levels.

I just wanted to mark... 5 months till Kalene becomes a Gardner. CRAZY! :) and EXCITING! :) I couldn't of picked a better man for her :) I LOVE HIM!

Things are better...

So I got a text from a sweet friend last night who had read my blog.   I was thankful for her concern and thought I better catch things up on here.  SO things have calmed down. They got pretty heated for a couple days and we all vented and said our peace... then we calmed down and said sorry and worked it all out. I think now SHE knows we love her and are trying to help. Not attacking and not wanting to upset them.
Things seem more positive for them too.... they are figuring it all out and what they need to do .... have a plan and are going back to Rexburg in Oct. 
I think this was all meant to happen.  I think we have all learned something from this.  I think that we have worked thru the hard times and that we are all going to be ok.  I have been able to see it as blessings... I hope they have too.  We have gotten to know each other so much better. We have spent time with our grandbaby... who is growing so fast.  Even though money is tighter than its ever been before....  its been a blessing. A true blessing to say I have my family all under one roof.
I have learned patience in ways I didn't know I needed lol.  I have learned to truly give freely and love unconditionally in ways I didn't know I needed to. It was a good look at myself. I realized I was a little selfish ... I didn't think I was...but thru it all too, I have also been able to see a different side to my mother in law... who I have struggled with all my married life.  It has brought me to her grave, asking her for forgiveness for my ignorance and I think she is at peace with this since. I feel her now.... I feel her spirit.  Which I didn't before. I am sure I blocked her. It is nice to know that SHE AND I ARE OK NOW TOO! A lot of healing in that one area alone in my life.

So things are good. Someone * I think it was Kalene and Kyle* brought us apples yesterday and left them on our front door. We had not had fruit in a while. with 12 people here... a bag is like one days of fruit. We try to be sparingly but it can only go so far with this many.  We have been eating some interesting meals too. My food storage is dwindling. I do have anxiety over how will I ever rebuild it up ... and my pantry is looking emptier every day.  But... the blessing is we have food. We have been fed, roofed and together ;) All that really is the only thing that matters.

Heavy Hearted...

Today I sit here broken.... with tears running down my face.  My heart is aching.... I am hurt, sad, mad and frustrated. I have tried so hard to do only good and somehow.... as lost as I am as to how.... it all has back fired on me.
I can't even explain what is going on out of fear that my family will read this and be mad that I posted something so personal on here...
but... I hope.. some day... SHE understands... all that has been said and done has been because I LOVE HER! I want more for her and her child! I am trying to help.... my husband and I are trying to guide and help her... and she doesn't see it. She just looks at me upset.... offensive and ready for a fight at every moment which is NOT what I want. We have killed ourselves to shelter them... to feed them and to make sure they are set up well. Comfortably...  with their own space... we have helped at every whim of a asking or of a hint... and because we want and require things that should be naturally there.... we are the bad guys... and I fear when they look back will always be the bad guys. It hurts...  especially when we have invested so much.  Today I am just sad.... I feel broken inside... and I hurt. This was not the outcome that I wanted or deserved!     I just want to throw my hands up and say I GIVE UP!  and I just might.