To the depths of my soul...

  I am broken.... I am so upset with myself... I can't even express why....  but ... to the depths of my soul... I am.  I can't express it here... too personal and private.

I know that Jesus died for me... for all the stupid mistakes I have made and will make.... I know his atonement was for this moment in my life.... but I can not forgive myself... not yet.

The pain I am unable to let go of... its consuming me....  its so hard.... tears streaming down my face....   uncontrollable tears...     I am numb too.  I just am not reacting to things around me like I use to. I am slow to react and slow to feel. 

I have no way of making this better or right... not at this moment.. words... are just that words.... and the depth of this... is more than I can express.

I thought I could come on here and release some pain... and I can't.... just more tears.... more consumption.    This is when I think Why was I born?   Why did I have to be such a mess up?   Why can't I get it? Why ?????? and its endless with the WHYS!!!!!!!!

I am trying to be strong... trying to not be this way in=front of my children....  trying to help my husband too feel less of this broken... we are both suffering at the same time with.....       He has me worried... calling every other hour... crying on the phone....  there is no way to console him or comfort him. I try... but  I can't. ... and I don't think he can for me either.  

They say time heals everything. I don't know.... that is the part that hurts the most. I don't know if time will heal this.  I pray it does... I pray that it hurrys and heals this...but the unsure-ity of it... I just don't know.

praying for peace... for all of this to be ok.... praying for comfort.... for all of this to be fixed. Praying that we finally get it... and that we can grow and learn and be more...            life isn't easy.   This is isn't easy.          if all is lost then it wasn't worth it.  Not to me.       Its my reason for existing!