This is my journal...

 I have realized this blog is my journal... its ok if anyone reads it because I have always been one big open book. This is my life... my thoughts, my experiences... one day my children will read it and maybe they will be able to relate or understand when they couldn't at a younger age.

I have been wide awake since 3 am. LOVE THAT! NOT!  I think I have too much on my mind.  From parenting to being me. All the things I want to make better or do better at... and all the things that I am struggling with right now.

Being a mom of adult children  is so difficult and wonderful all at the same time. The difficult part is letting go and letting the adult children make their own life decisions. Right now my oldest and her husband and their first child are living with us. That makes for a very full home.  11 at home right now while one of my daughters is off at college.

It is hard to watch my older married children do normal stuff without saying a word or having an opinion. Its been the hardest thing for me to keep my mouth shut and to stay out of anything going on between them.  Its hard to watch my children choose life styles for themselves...  Things I don't want for them... I want my daughters to be blessed to stay at home with their children, like I have been. I want them to choose men who will work hard and do whatever it takes to make that happen. Who are proactive with their own children and involved and hard workers.  I am realizing as my second daughter is falling in love with a young man, that I have no CONTROL over who they date or see... and just hope all the years I taught them ... will come into play somewhere in their choices.

My first daughter about killed me.... with finding her husband. We did not know him. Knew nothing about him and she just dated him a few short months... I don't even think it was 2 full months before telling us she was engaged. Talk about terrifying.  I learned then, I had no control.... My oldest and I fought... I begged her to pray and fast about her decision. I was not happy about her choice at first. He didn't even have his G.E.D. and was jobless. I couldn't understand what the RUSH was to get married, other than to NOT slip and have sex before marriage.  That was a hard emotional roller coaster for me.... Here they are two years later with a baby in tow, living in my home. He still hasn't gotten his G.E.D. but says he will. He says he wants to go to college... She is waiting for some paper from her nursing program so she can go take her final test and become  a nurse in a hospital. She is graduated from College. We love her husband, don't get me wrong... He really is a great addition to our family. He is fun and funny...but I won't be totally pleased with him till I see him become the Man I know he can and take care of his family.  Its hard to keep my mouth shut and out of their business. SO hard. 

Having them here has been wonderful and hard on everyone at the same time. I love seeing my grandbaby all the time, watching her learn to roll over and make her baby milestones. Seeing her coo and holding her whenever I want. LOVE THAT! But knowing that they are their own family *and I never thought I would say this or feel this* I know they need their own place with their own space and to do their own thing. I don't want them to move out...but I know they need to. Its not the same as when it was just my daughter, growing up here... its different. 

I always want my children near me. They are my everything along with my husband. I love them all so much. Its hard to not give them everything... but I don't.  They have what they need and some things they want, but we will never be able to give them things like the latest technologies or gadgets and its ok.. ITS A BLESSING! I am seeing way too many young people doing only that and I think Satan can really distract us from our true purpose here with all this stuff, materialistic stuff of the world.  My children don't have name brand anything unless they earned the money and bought it. My children help me buy school clothes and supplies from the odd jobs they do during summer.  But its different when you see your grown daughter  married. I want things for them I know they will struggle for. Watching them struggle for money to wash their clothes till they could get their own washer and dryer, things like that.... its hard.  I never realized these difficulties in my life. I want so much for them but I have to let them do what I did and make their own way... get their own stuff and struggle even for what they want or need just as I did. Of coarse we will always help whenever possible, but it was hard finding that LINE of what is too much help and what is not enough.

My second daughter comes home this week. I am so excited. She is doing so amazing in college. Her new found boy friend will be coming too.. he lives in the area so he will stay with his family. But I will see them together. It will be interesting... we have watched this young man grow up... and he is a wonderful young man. I just never saw him apart of our life. I don't know why... I just didn't... and I don't do as well with change... can ya tell ? LOL :)  I am interested to see him with her... how he treats her and how she treats him. I already know that marriage is most likely going to happen if not the end of this year the beginning with next. Crazy but I do know ....  So crazy to think ... another will be off and married, starting her life adventures.... its hard... letting go... I know its needed and good, but its hard.  Where did my babies go?  I miss those years and yet I don't because it was hard being a mom of 5 little children all together.... Now I am just a Mom of 2 adults, 3 teen and 3 itty bitties. CRAZY! Never saw that coming either. Thank heavens the Lord has got this... .I am just trying to keep up... :)