Oh my gosh... I am freaking out... just a little..... I believe my dreams.... certain ones... I just know which are dreams and which seem to or feel to come from God to me... this one has that indication that it is from God.
Lately I have felt "OLD" and "UNABLE" as a parent. My son Jesse has been unregulated... hard..... he is uncontrollable, making bad choices left and right, trying to create Chaos everywhere he goes * I read children who come from places my son has, create chaos to feel safe and in control* It has been exhausting and hard to not loose it. To have patience..... I have looked at one of my friends and probably too many times out of my frustration have said... " HE IS GOING TO KILL ME" I know not the best words to choose. I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated at times that I am totally lost for words. the other words I have over used this week are "DONE" I AM DONE!!!!!! over and over. MY POOR FRIEND!~ I am sorry .... I am sure I have killed her because she is this very sweet person and amazingly patient mother.
Anyhow..... I woke up with tears streaming from my face..... from a dream...its started like this...... I was with President LEWIS and his family... we were at some church thing..... in some new building I have not been in. We were looking for food for our kids to eat.... and I had a baby.... NOT BORN FROM ME... I KNEW I HAD ADOPTED HIM. Pauls son Collin asked me which baby food jar did I want to feed the baby... all were not really full..... I said, "I better go find a different one." then Collin asked " Do you want me to keep these jars?" I responded "Oh no, I don't keep them, but thanks" Then Paul said he would watch the baby for me with his son while I go look .... I leave...as I leave it was like a joke .... Paul says.... " See you in a minute maybe with another one" *MEANING A CHILD* I yell jokingly " OH NO I AM DONE! DONE! DONE! DONE!" I head towards a direction... lots of chairs everywhere... and this woman.... I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS, but in my dream I DID... her eyes were heavily made up, she was beautiful with long hair but that is all I remember of her. Anyhow... she stops me and I ask her how she is.... and she says, " I HEARD YOU WERE IN THE MARKET FOR ANOTHER BABY and that YOU GOT HIM" I respond, " OH NO, we were NOT in the market for one, this one just happened. " She told me there was gossip that I had been looking for one... and I settled that quick by saying, " I know, I heard the rumors but I assure you we were NOT looking." Then she said, " We were thinking of adopting but with the times getting worse and the end upon us... we just felt it might be best to NOT adopt. "
THIS IS WHERE THE SPIRIT FILLED ME! I MEAN FILLED ME! ... I WAS LITTERALLY CRYING IN MY DREAM AND I WOKE UP FROM CRYING AS I SPOKE TO HER WITH POWER! A power I can't explain only that it was a conviction in my heart and whole being.... I said, " I know that the times are getting harder and it is scary to raise a family, but Heavenly Father needs these children to come and to have families, families that are sealed to them. So that they can be FOREVER and if we all die, at least we have that promise that these children will be raised by us, their eternal families.." We were both crying and I WOKE UP!
I am not sure what this means...... I don't know if it means that there is another child that will be presented to us *which I will be honest...HELLO I AM OLD and it scares me, but I know me.... I would never turn a child away and I would do it if I felt the Lord had a hand in it* or if this means I need to think more eternally with the ones I have especially on the hard days and realize how amazingly blessed we are to have each other sealed as a forever family. Either way the spirit was still strong with me as I cried and shared this dream with my husband.
I know this... the baby it was not brand new.... and he must be of age to eat baby food from a jar.
*NEW UPDATE* 12 29 2013* I think this dream has meaning for me... not that we will have another baby but... that I am to share my testimony to those who don't or can't have children. I think I am suppose to help them consider adoption. As in my dream... there are children who need families to love them. Can you imagine never having a family or family name? Can you imagine just living with someone till you graduate and then what? Where would you go for the holidays? Who would you celebrate with? NO one claiming you in this life or the next? Its a sad thought. I think God has me on errand.... and I will do it :)
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