Cancer

    The big word no one wants to hear... CANCER.... It took my father way too young... it took my Grandfather way too young.... and now its going to take my sister in law way too young. She is 42 years old.... diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer... STAGE 4  its in her bones, there is a tumor in her lung and she has lasserations on her liver. They put a port in her on Monday and they start Chemo on the 7th.  She will have lost all her hair by the end of November.  She has 3 children. One is 19, one is 16 and one is 13.  We lost her mother to cancer not even 3 years ago.... and it was the quickest cancer I have ever witnessed. She had colon cancer which went to her liver.  
     I am not ready for this. WHO IS! I am not ready to see my husband loose another loved one.... I am not ready to see my nieces and nephew suffer the pain of not having a mother around and loosing a mother at a young age.....

This hits home so deeply.... I can't put into words the emotions I feel from my past deaths and losses.... it brings up so much pain for me.... I am scared ..; IS MY HUSBAND OK? No he has never smoked but what if this is genetic?   A thousand thoughts run thru my head.... I am a mess.  The what ifs.... the how long will she suffer?   Will this go into remission? Will she live for a couple more years? Online it says only 10% survival rate .... that is low.... 

This sure makes me want to stop all the unhealthy things I am doing and start eating things that are healthy whether or not I like them or not. It  makes me freak out..... because  I don't want this to happen to me or my husband. We have 8 kids 6 to still raise... I can't do life and kids without him.... I feel like I need to rearrange my whole life and get it finally right.... now before we get this diagnoses  I am sad.... this is so sad... this is happening again. I hate cancer! I wish it didn't exist.  I am not ready and I am pretty sure she isn't ready either.