Dear Traumatized Mother....

 Dare I say it like it is?   I sometimes feel guilty if I just think about the way it is. People have no clue.... my life.... my day to day .... my inner thoughts and feelings on life now as I know it. We use to be that family everyone wanted to be. I kid you not. *that must sound prideful or boastful or even vain, but I mean it in a honest approach, because we were so happy, life was so smooth, easy going and wonderful* I have the most amazing children... they are brilliant, successful and so full of love. They are Christ like people and have so much going for them. I have never had to struggle with parenting my first five children. They were obedient... like born that way.... they want to please us, make us proud of them. They get that being apart of a family means to do your share of work and to represent who we are. My latest children are amazing children! I love them. I know they too are brilliant but they have been traumatized, hurt and until they heal, we will all look like that frazzled family that is just trying to survive it all and make it work as we go because every day is different in the way that their healing process has been for each of them, and still is a work in progress.   My cousin wrote me... she gets it. She saw this blog... and sent it to me.... this is me...
http://gobbelcounseling.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/dear-trauma-momma/
  except my children's teacher is constantly telling me all things that they do at school wrong... so even when they are gone, its not like they are... I panic at every phone call. Will it be the Principle? telling me yet again what my son/daughter has done at school or what thing they have said or done  that is not acceptable? I feel bad for any teacher or other person who takes my children on, for I know how hard it is to have them do what they need to, how exhausting it is to get them to do the things they need to... even sit for a moment quietly or participate.  I feel bad if they are disruptive in class or can't focus for longer than a minute. the things I am sorry for is endless... and I literally feel bad for them having to go through what I do on a daily basis because its their job or calling. I feel bad leaving them with their older siblings who are just as lost and frustrated as we are at times as parents. I feel bad asking for help from any other friend or parent.   I am so tired of the therapist being so SLOW at healing these kids... which I am sure it has to be a slow process. but when your dealing with out of control children that sometimes you have to physically help move yourself... just to do simple task... that you know never ends is exhausting!!!!! *UNDERSTATEMENT TO THE WORLD*  I think about next year... what it looks like for Jesse. How will he get thru school at all? The KINDERGARDEN TEACHER is worried about next year... so I guess I should start to worry too. Don't they know how to help him? I guess if I don't I can't expect them to. This trauma mama is how I feel... but with added drama.. because to top off everything .... I have the normal stuff of teens to deal with ... that alone  is exhausting. But what has hurt is hearing my teens tell me they can't stand it anymore, the house, the noise, the children who are out of control. They don't want to bring their friends here anymore.... *OUR HOUSE USE TO BE THE HOUSE TO GO TO*  IT KILLS ME! IT HURTS! All the things I wanted for our family ... has slowly gone and the feelings we all shared about our family and our home.... has been left with chaos and children who are constantly not listening and getting into something they shouldn't. I have done all I can to make it like it once was but I fear that only time and healing will actually bring that reality back.    I feel very alone in parenting because my husband isn't here for half of it. He is working... the school calls me... I have to deal with it then, it can't wait for Daddy to come home. Having trauma children, you have to deal with each situation as it comes ..when it comes. You can't just put it on the back burner and wait for the spouse to come home and help you decide how to handle it or help discipline the child. You have to do it that very moment, and even then... chances are they don't get it... and it take longer for them to get it so chances are it WILL happen again and you have that joy of knowing YOU WILL BE DOING THIS AGAIN... most likely soon.

I am going through a unique stage of TOTALLY wanting to NEVER talk to the birth family again! I am so angry and upset. THEY DAMAGED MY CHILDREN! THEY TOTALLY CAUSED ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!!! The fault lies on THEM! Whether they understood what they were doing or not.... ITS THEIR FAULT my children are suffering... my children are hurting and struggling to succeed in life. ITS THEIR FAULT every day I have to get up and do it all over again in hopes for a small glimpse that some how they will get an inclining of what I am trying teach them or give them.  HEAL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait for the day that they are healed... WILL THEY? WILL THEY EVER REACH THAT DAY? I HOPE SO!!!!!!!!!!!! I PRAY SO!~ I wish it happened like 2 years ago.

What is really hard, is listening to my birth children tell me I don't smile or am not as Happy anymore....  that literally killed me. Because to fake a smile around them has been a challenge but I have done it. But they know me. They KNOW ME SO WELL... they know I am faking it till I  make it. 

Most people... they can go go go... do do do... and make it all work. I feel like I am lucky to keep up just with my family. I have desires to go go go and do do do.. especially for others, especially for the church ... ESPECIALLY TO DO THE LORD'S work... but lately I have had to comfort myself by saying... THE WORK THE LORD NEEDS DONE IS WHAT I AM DOING NOW! IT DOES MATTER AND COUNT! Others may judge me all they want for not doing more in the church or not being enough.... The LORD understands me.  He gets me. HE TRULY KNOWS!!!!! and that is what I have to lay hold to.

My daughter is sexually acting out on herself in school . I AM SO EMBARRESSED! IT IS SO AWFUL!  We have tried everything.... IS SHE GOING TO BE OK? IS she ever going to have the right mentality when it comes to sexual behaviors and what is ok and what is appropriate? Is she going to struggle with boys and do whatever to her body because she doesn't understand what real LOVE IS?   Will she end up to be a pregnant teen? The worries I have for if I can't help her now.... the backwards things she does... IT KILLS ME TO THINK OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER!  How I struggle to not go over and physically let it all out on the person who did this to her!
But no.. I have to give it to God! I have to help her... stand by her... continue to be as patient as possible and love her through it all. and At times... I do suffer ... as a parent... I suffer trying to fix her.. I get frustrated... upset... sick to my stomach.. .mad... the feelings I go through... the public displays and tantrums she performs at times... the embarrassment that I am that parent... who has a child who does all this.  Judge me I don't care...its honest. I feel these very real feelings.  I want normalcy. I want and long for what I had before these children came along. I pray we will reach that again in the future.


The youngest... she is having fun picking up all these habits from the two older ones. HOW DO I STOP THAT? I am trying my normal parenting on her, she should not be as affected by or traumatized as the other two we got her when she was barely 2. She can't remember anything... she repeats things she hears from the two older ones.  She wants attention 24/7. You would think being the baby of the family ... she has plenty of attention. I am struggling in so many ways. I have experienced trauma from all the things I have done and gone through with these three so far.  I never thought I would say these things or feel these things. I try to tell people how hard it is.  They have no clue... unless your a parent  who has a traumatized child.   I can't even explain all that I deal with and go through on a daily basis... because its so exhausting just thinking about it much less writing it.


In the end..... DO I LOVE THEM?  DO I WANT TO DO THIS? WOULD I HAVE DONE THIS ALL OVER AGAIN? ... Crazy... but I do... I love them... they are my children and ALL I WANT is for them to succeed in life. I want them healed and well. I am exhausted emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically. I am depressed and frustrated and I struggle to keep going... but I am doing it. One day ... ONE SECOND at a time...   I just pray... that soon I can see more changes and healing. That is what helps me to continue to go forward .. to do what I do.


It has been the gospel that has probably gotten me and our family through all that we have with our youngest children. Knowing we have to forgive those who did this to them... knowing that parenting with love and not upset is how to deal with these little souls who have been through HELL. Knowing that Jesus would do this for us... each of us *has if you think about it* helps me want to do this on the days it is hard and I feel like I can't go on.  Knowing and teaching that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER AND THAT THIS IS MY FAMILY! Only I can shape them into what I see and want.... with the help of the LORD!  Thankful for the many people who do TRULY CARE AND LOVE US... want the same things I am striving to bring to pass into our lives.... and are willing to offer help, support, prayers and love!   The gospel and its principles are what have helped me the most with my little children.  It is the foundation I stand on.... the truth that I will never deny and the one thing I rely on the most to help me find hope, peace and strength to endure. 

Its hard to be a Mother of traumatized children.... but in the end I am so thankful I am learning so much and growing and I know in the end.... there will come a day when I get back that home...and become that Family that everyone will want to pattern after.  My children will get thru this with much love and they will be amazing... no matter what choices they end making, they will always find the correct  path because I will never give up on them, just as my Savior never gives up on me!